How are you?

It's an innocent question, really. Often it's asked without any real expectation of an answer. Sometimes when it is asked, the answer is really more information than was wanted. You'll run into an acquaintance and the natural question that seems to come to mind is inevitably, "How are you?"

Typically, the answer is something like "Fine." I notice that talk show hosts get asked this question a lot. I listen to Dave Ramsey, for instance, on the radio. He takes questions from callers regarding their finances. No matter how many callers there are, the vast majority of them start the conversation by asking Dave how he is.

Mind you, he's already answered the question 20 times in the last hour! Still they ask. Being the gentleman that he is, David usually has a pat response ready: "Better than I deserve!" Of course, that doesn't really disclose the current condition of Dave Ramsey. Then again, I'm pretty sure the callers aren't calling to find out how Dave is.

Now throughout my own lifetime, I have to say that I've been pretty blessed in that I am usually just fine. That's not to say that I've not had problems. Quite frankly, there've been many periods in my life when I concluded that life wasn't worth living. I was mad at God for making suicide a sin.

Can you imagine how people might have responded if I'd answered their question truthfully? I confess, I've usually just always said that I am fine ... even when I'm not. Does that make me a liar? I guess maybe it does. My motive was probably more on the righteous side of things though. I didn't want to burden others with the sour outlook on life that I had at the time. Then again, I sometimes cynically wondered if they really cared. I've often thought that people who ask how I am really don't want to know. They're just making small talk. Or being polite.
As a follower of Christ, I have to say the question changed. Or rather the motive behind the question and the answers both changed. When I ask someone how they are today, it's a pretty good bet that I do want to know. I love them and sincerely have their goodwill at heart. When someone asks me how I am today, I often recognize it as genuine and sincere concern for my goodwill as well. So no longer am I cynical about asking or answering that question: "How are you?" That's the power of God's transforming grace for you. Go figure.

Recently, I've uncovered a new dimension of that question, "How are you?" I was hospitalized with a back injury that was rather severe. Partial paralysis, nerve damage and a great deal of pain have been mine to bear. It's been a long, slow recovery process. Physical therapy, doctors' appointments, medications and other venues are part of my routine nowadays. And when people ask how I am, I answer truthfully. I'm just a little perplexed by the response I get when I answer the question truthfully and disclose the nature or some of the extent of my present challenges.

There seems to be a rather large camp of people who've had similar back injuries and related back pain. That was the first surprise. In fact, it sometimes seems as if I might be the last man on earth to face this malady! So from this camp, I don't get sympathy, encouragement or offers of prayer or support. Rather I get advice. I'm given the names of doctors, specialists, treatment programs, medical massage therapists, physical therapists and more.

Everyone seems to have an opinion regarding what I should do. Even people who've not actually been in my shoes or similar shoes. They just know someone who has. And they've seen how well so-and-so did with this therapy, specialist, treatment, etc. So they know exactly what I should do. Ironically, they'll even follow up with me later to see if I've done what they told me to do. I find myself feeling just a bit defense because it feels as if they disapprove of my present course of action. It's as if they conclude that what I'm doing is not working - as evidenced by the fact that I'm still challenged in this area.

The thing is, if I did what everyone told me to do, I'd have to quit my job and spend my life savings on medical expenses. I'd have to thumb my nose at my health insurance company, and maybe even the doctors I've been seeing. I'd be in doctors' offices, on massage tables, etc. every single day. So the burden is on me to ferret these things out and see if any of it seems to have merit for me personally.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm ungrateful. It's just that the advice is coming at me far to quickly and in too much volume for any of it to have any real practical advice. I'm reminded of an old adage that says, "When everyone is talking, it's hard for anyone to be heard." Frankly, I'm getting so much advice that I can't use any of it.

So my perspective is starting to change. I'm considering adopting a different strategy when answering that age-old question, "How are you?" How am I? Well I have some health challenges right now. But those are circumstances. And circumstances are never truth. I've known that for some time now.

The truth is that I'm mightily blessed by a wondrous God whom I adore. Yes, I have some cross carrying to do. (Doesn't everyone at one point or another?) But when I consider the burdens that some people have to carry in this life, mine pale in comparison. I'm thinking it may be best not to talk about how I am. Or at least to change the perspective I use to develop the answer.

You see, like radio show host Dave Ramsey, I really am "better than I deserve." And I'm not trying to be cute here. What I deserve in life is considerably worse than what I've received. Credit God's goodness, His loving mercy, His forgiveness, His immense power, His wisdom, and even the leadership of His Holy Spirit. I've got a direct channel with my Father in heaven. His Son saved me and makes me holy every day (in spite of myself). His Spirit guides me and teaches me.

God has given me good health throughout most of my life. He's blessed me with more financial security than I ever imagined for myself. I have a loving family, lots of deep friendships, engaging work, exhilarating recreation, and I sleep really well most nights. Oh yeah, I almost forgot --- I've got some back trouble and am having to accommodate that right now, but I'm a blessed man in every sense of the word. My present challenges in no way cancel or overshadow my present blessings.

So --- how are you today?

Friendships

I've said it before ... and I'll keep saying it. The Bible has explicit guidance for any kind of challenge life can dish out. In fact, I've challenged people to hand me a problem that I can't solve with my Bible. And I've never been beaten in such challenges either!

Recently someone complained to me that they don't have any friends. I asked them if they knew how to get friends, keep friends or even be a friend. As you might guess, their answers were pretty lame. So I asked this individual what qualities they possessed that would make them desirable as someone else's friend. Again, their answers were pretty lame (and maybe not very truthful).

It is in times like this that the Bible takes center stage. It is replete with wisdom and advice. It even offers life models to show us how it's done. Naturally, we start with the Biblical principles of loving God and loving others as you would like to be loved and as God loves you. Most of us aren't too good as discerning our own behaviors, or evaluating them against these basic Biblical principles. So it's helpful to look at some specific Scripture references to get us there.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 & 7 gives us a comprehensive definition of this love we're supposed to have for God and then for others. Patient. Kind. Not boastful or proud. Not rude or self-seeking or easily angered --- keeping no record of wrongs (and always leading with forgiveness for everything). Always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.

Look at those words. Think about that. Consider their meaning. Patient. Kind. Do you know what those look like? Do you know how to put them into action? These are the challenges for someone who wants a friend - to learn the true meaning of these words, think about those meanings often, and put them into practical application in their everyday life.

1 Samuel, starting in chapter 18, gives us a wonderful picture of a deep and lasting friendship. Ironically, this friendship contains all of the elements of love as defined in 1 Corinthians 13! It's the story of Jonathan and David. Jonathan was the son of King Saul, and in line to inherent the throne. David was a present servant to the king, and God had selected him to inherent the throne from Saul - knocking Jonathan out of his rightful inheritance. This gives us some context for a few of the relationship dynamics that challenged these two guys.

But the Bible tells us that when David and Jonathan met, they decided to become good friends at once. In fact, their relationship is one of the deepest and closest of any recorded in the Bible. So what did these guys do that made their friendship so tight ... and so remarkable?

1. They were intentional about the friendship. Friendships don't just happen. And you don't just make them. Friendships have to be intentionally developed and nurtured.

2. They based their friendship on commitment to God. The Bible tells us that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. In other words, our deepest, closest friendships are meant to be found in people who share our faith. So God is the first basis for a true friendship.

3. They let nothing come between them. No even career or family problems. When Jonathan's Dad tried to kill David, neither David or Jonathan questioned their friendship. Friends know who they are to each other, and they don't let anyone get in the way of that clear view.

4. They drew close together when their friendship was tested. Said differently, true friends intentionally seek each other out during circumstances that would normally threaten a friendship.

5. They were committed to each other, just as in a marriage commitment. They remained close friends to the end. True friendships aren't for a season. They endure for all time. (Otherwise they weren't true friendships in the Biblical sense of the word!)

6. They didn't put a price on their friendship. Jonathan would much rather lose the throne of Israel than lose his closest friend. True friendships endure at any cost. And sometimes they can be very costly.

Our society is using the term "friendship" pretty loosely these days. Facebook has given us an ever cheaper meaning to it. We are "friends" there with people we've never even met! Ironically, the world gets ever more lonely for most of us.

There was a time in my life when I was one of those people who didn't really have any friends. I'm so grateful that I learned how to be a friend. I'm blessed today with some deep, enduring friendships. And when I look at those friendships, it's no surprise that I see they exhibit all of these dynamics I'm talking about today.

Perhaps it's time we all dusted off our Bibles and took a basic lesson in friendship. My Bible is the source of all truth and knowledge. It has the solutions to all of life's challenges. I've said it before. And I'll keep saying it.

Unfriend Friends

So there she was. An old colleague. Someone whom I had fought for, stood up for and worked to advantage. She had, through some wisdom I don't understand, decided to "unfriend" me on Facebook. I'd tried to reconnect via Facebook and e-mail, but to no avail. She would not respond.

Imagine my surprise when I show up at this huge conference in San Diego ... and there she is. Smiling as big as anything. She seemed engaged in conversation with someone, though I saw the look on her face change when she saw me. Not wanting to be rude, I walked on by without interrupting. A couple of times I checked back to see if she might be available (not engaged with someone else) --- thinking that I would approach her. But it wasn't meant to be.

Later on I'm meeting someone in the lobby of the hotel and see her across the way. She is engaged with someone ... whom I also know. And he wants to come and greet me. So she comes with him. He hugs and shakes my hand. So she does the same. When he's finished and leaves, I ask her, "Do I owe you an apology?" She insists that I don't.

I then question the silent treatment I've been getting from someone whom I admired and thought I was friends with. After all, we'd gone through a lot together in the workplace. She simply points out that those times together were over, so she saw no point in continuing the friendship.

And there it was ... the price of friendship. It seems that sometimes people are your friends because it's convenient. And when it's no longer convenient, they aren't your friends!

When my son was a toddler, he used to get mad at us. He would cop an attitude and say, "Mmmph! I am not going to be your friend any more!" We used to laugh at this, and still laugh about it today. Unfortunately, this mantra of a toddler appears to be the mantra of some of today's adults.

I confess that I am baffled by those who would use me as a friend and then dump me when it no longer serves their purposes. It would have been nice if I had known (when I thought we were friends) that I was serving their purpose! Typically friendships that have a hard stop on them are the ones that have borrowed money from me and don't wish to pay it back. That's when I find out there was a price on the friendship. (And of course I'm the one paying the price!)

I've blogged recently about the water-down definitions we have of terms like love or friend. But I believe this is different. There isn't a problem defining friendship here. Rather it's a problem valuing friendship.

It's been said that counting friendships at the end of your life is the best balance sheet you can have as you exit this world. I've believed it too. My friendships are precious to me. But it's always a bit of a nasty surprise to find that I value some of them more than they value me. Do those dynamics exist in all friendships?

Twittering Facebook

It has now been about nine months since I joined the tens of millions on Facebook, and the millions on Twitter. Recently I noticed that I now have over 300 "friends" on Facebook. I have to confess that I actually gave up on Twitter and even deleted my profile there, just before Thanksgiving. (Honestly, it was the lamest waste of time I've seen in some time!)

But I'm finding that Facebook poses an interesting dichotomy. On the one hand, I've connected with former colleagues, schoolmates, long-lost relatives and even a couple of old girl friends. I even connected with someone I'd not heard from in about 27 years and thought was long dead! So there is definitely a power in Facebook that's unrivaled in modern culture. No matter who you are, I'm convinced there are people you know on Facebook.

Now the interesting thing I'm noticing lately is the intersection of Twitter and Facebook. People are Twittering stuff and referring to it on Facebook. They'll post a message on Facebook and tell people to go to their Twitter profile to see something. (Why not just post it on Facebook?) When I was on Twitter I don't recall seeing people ask me to go check their Facebook wall. So I'm trying to understand how the two complement each other in practical terms. From my perspective, it seems that Facebook has got everything Twitter offers ... and a whole lot more.

But there are rebels. Some of them are even on Facebook. They're a bit angry about Facebook, and resent the fact that they have to be on it. Some of them refuse to get on Facebook. I tried to connect with a relative recently and was sharply rebuked for it. She informed me that we can e-mail just as easily and she only has friends on Facebook whom she doesn't e-mail with. There's a logic for you. "I'll only friend people on Facebook whom I don't talk to." Interesting.

Then there are those people on Facebook who really aren't on Facebook. Oh sure, they went on it once and set up a profile. They friended about ten people and maybe posted a profile picture. And they haven't been back since. They don't post any updates, they don't respond to any messages you send them, and they don't have any pictures depicting what's going on in their lives. So are they really on Facebook?

The really curious crowd (to me, at least) are the ones on Facebook who seem to be on there several times a day, at all hours of the day. They're not saying much, and most of them are just playing Farmville or Mafia Wars (Farmville seems to be the most popular). I'm glad they enjoy it. But I have to admit I get annoyed when I get messages asking me to help them find a "little lost reindeer" (that doesn't exist) on their farm (which doesn't exist). Apparently these people are having a blast playing these games on Facebook though. More power to them.

Lately I've been questioning the value of Facebook. Now that I've found the approximately 300 people whose names I can remember in life --- it seems to be losing its luster. It was interesting when I was finding and connecting with people I thought were dead. Without new finds every day or so, not so much then.

And the people I'm connected to on Facebook? Hardly talk to any of them. One guy I hadn't seen since 1976. I wrote and told him a bit about me and my life. Then I asked him to tell me a bit about him and his life. Is he married? Kids? Career? Health? Interesting hobbies? As I eagerly awaited his response, I got his invitation to play Mafia Wars. I ignored it (officially). After a while, I wrote him again and said, "No, really want to know you again. Please write back." His response? "Let's play mafia wars together."

So the thing is that the people I'm friends with on Facebook are really not my friends. In fact most of my true friends in life aren't connecting with me there anyway. There are people I like whom I can keep up with ... if they post updates and pictures. But the rest don't seem to have any value. Friending people on Facebook starts to feel like collecting baseball cards (except you are acquainted with most of the players).

I think I'm going to stick with Facebook for now. But I am starting to wonder if the value proposition isn't going to appear for some of us. It's a bit like having a TV but not watching it. Facebook might have 350 million active profiles, but they can't convince me that they've got 350 million users.

What Matters Most

It had been planned for almost a year. I think we sent "save the date" cards out in January. Shopping for the right hotel. Picking the invitations. Selecting the menu. Interviewing DJ's. Checking out photographers. Deciding the drink assortment. What should we wear? What's the dress? Do we need a guest book?

Of course, after it had all been planned, we realized there were going to be out-of-towners here at least one extra night. So more planning. A pool party and BBQ. We had to eat at three different BBQ joints to decide who had the best meat and who had the best side dishes. Beer or wine? Iced tea and lemonade --- or sodas? What if it's too hot? What if it rains? (It did.)

Such was the planning for our 25th wedding anniversary. My wife and I had a simple wedding in Gaithersburg, Maryland - 25 years ago this week. It was a church wedding with a real minister. The state required two witnesses. My wife's mother flew in from Florida. No one else came because we'd just moved to Maryland and didn't know anyone. We had no out-of-towners who would come at that time. (The organist in the church served as the second witness.)

We had no wedding reception. We had no presents to speak of. (I think one of my aunts gave us a blanket though.) So as far as weddings go, it was pretty unmemorable. We were married. It was legal. And we set off ... two clueless morons with no idea of what marriage is or what is necessary to make it work. We had no role models (that we knew of) and no idea what kind of a ride we were in for. More than once, we hit some pretty major bumps in the road. But we got through them. We eventually learned how to do this dance called marriage.

As we looked at our silver anniversary, we decided a party was in order. We'd never really celebrated our marriage. We'd spent many married years not celebrating --- but slugging our way through it. The time seemed right to celebrate. Twenty-five years was a milestone that seemed rather significant to both of us. It meant an accomplishment; the completion of one of the most difficult challenges either of us has ever faced. It's a good marriage. We're best friends. But it's taken a lot of hard work to get us here.

When the guests started arriving at the hotel ballroom, things turned a bit surreal. Some were early. (We weren't ready.) Some were late. (We'd worried they weren't coming.) Probably no more than a third of the guests had arrived when we both realized we were getting a little choked up. Old friends were suddenly with us. Dear friends from our recent past. Dear friends from years past. There were people we hadn't seen in years. (Fortunately, we recognized most of them.)

What we both began to realize was that, in addition to learning to cherish each other, our journey had included so many people with whom we'd made heart connections along the way. Each is precious to us. (We didn't invite anyone who isn't.) It was my turn to welcome the guests before we prayed before dinner. No eloquent speech from this guy. I don't even know what I said. But what I was feeling was an overwhelming sense of honor. We were so humbled that so many people would love us so much to set aside a night like this to celebrate with us. I got choked up just trying to greet everyone.

For sure, the room full of people didn't represent all of the people that we know and love. There were many more. The guest list had been put together about a year in advance. If we were doing it today it would be even longer. One of my friends was giving a toast and he surmised that perhaps our circle of friends and loved ones was even bigger than this room full of people, but that "these were all the friends they could afford to feed." Little did he know how close to the truth he'd gotten!

The thing is, as we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this week, we realize that our marriage is a precious gift from God. We've made it. What an excellent adventure it has been! We can't wait to see what the next 25 years will hold in store for us. But the one single thing we are both focused on is the number of absolutely wonderful people that God has put in our lives. We are so blessed with deep, intimate friendships. And this is what we value most in life. It is what matters most. And it is wealth that we both are very intent on continuing to build.