Friendships

I've said it before ... and I'll keep saying it. The Bible has explicit guidance for any kind of challenge life can dish out. In fact, I've challenged people to hand me a problem that I can't solve with my Bible. And I've never been beaten in such challenges either!

Recently someone complained to me that they don't have any friends. I asked them if they knew how to get friends, keep friends or even be a friend. As you might guess, their answers were pretty lame. So I asked this individual what qualities they possessed that would make them desirable as someone else's friend. Again, their answers were pretty lame (and maybe not very truthful).

It is in times like this that the Bible takes center stage. It is replete with wisdom and advice. It even offers life models to show us how it's done. Naturally, we start with the Biblical principles of loving God and loving others as you would like to be loved and as God loves you. Most of us aren't too good as discerning our own behaviors, or evaluating them against these basic Biblical principles. So it's helpful to look at some specific Scripture references to get us there.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 & 7 gives us a comprehensive definition of this love we're supposed to have for God and then for others. Patient. Kind. Not boastful or proud. Not rude or self-seeking or easily angered --- keeping no record of wrongs (and always leading with forgiveness for everything). Always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.

Look at those words. Think about that. Consider their meaning. Patient. Kind. Do you know what those look like? Do you know how to put them into action? These are the challenges for someone who wants a friend - to learn the true meaning of these words, think about those meanings often, and put them into practical application in their everyday life.

1 Samuel, starting in chapter 18, gives us a wonderful picture of a deep and lasting friendship. Ironically, this friendship contains all of the elements of love as defined in 1 Corinthians 13! It's the story of Jonathan and David. Jonathan was the son of King Saul, and in line to inherent the throne. David was a present servant to the king, and God had selected him to inherent the throne from Saul - knocking Jonathan out of his rightful inheritance. This gives us some context for a few of the relationship dynamics that challenged these two guys.

But the Bible tells us that when David and Jonathan met, they decided to become good friends at once. In fact, their relationship is one of the deepest and closest of any recorded in the Bible. So what did these guys do that made their friendship so tight ... and so remarkable?

1. They were intentional about the friendship. Friendships don't just happen. And you don't just make them. Friendships have to be intentionally developed and nurtured.

2. They based their friendship on commitment to God. The Bible tells us that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. In other words, our deepest, closest friendships are meant to be found in people who share our faith. So God is the first basis for a true friendship.

3. They let nothing come between them. No even career or family problems. When Jonathan's Dad tried to kill David, neither David or Jonathan questioned their friendship. Friends know who they are to each other, and they don't let anyone get in the way of that clear view.

4. They drew close together when their friendship was tested. Said differently, true friends intentionally seek each other out during circumstances that would normally threaten a friendship.

5. They were committed to each other, just as in a marriage commitment. They remained close friends to the end. True friendships aren't for a season. They endure for all time. (Otherwise they weren't true friendships in the Biblical sense of the word!)

6. They didn't put a price on their friendship. Jonathan would much rather lose the throne of Israel than lose his closest friend. True friendships endure at any cost. And sometimes they can be very costly.

Our society is using the term "friendship" pretty loosely these days. Facebook has given us an ever cheaper meaning to it. We are "friends" there with people we've never even met! Ironically, the world gets ever more lonely for most of us.

There was a time in my life when I was one of those people who didn't really have any friends. I'm so grateful that I learned how to be a friend. I'm blessed today with some deep, enduring friendships. And when I look at those friendships, it's no surprise that I see they exhibit all of these dynamics I'm talking about today.

Perhaps it's time we all dusted off our Bibles and took a basic lesson in friendship. My Bible is the source of all truth and knowledge. It has the solutions to all of life's challenges. I've said it before. And I'll keep saying it.

Have Not Love

I occasionally get asked (by churches) to help a pastor or other ministry leader in distress. Not long ago, one of the inquiries concerned conflict within the church. It seems that most of the people in the church found it difficult to relate to one certain leader.

I asked about this leader and was told of his strength and virtue. He had an impressive theology degree from so-and-so seminary; he is a certified genius - very brilliant. When I asked someone to tell me his strengths, I was told that he is a great thinker, very wise, and always able to see a perspective that most people miss. These of course are great qualities to have in anyone, regardless of the extent of their education or other credentials.

As I interviewed the key players in this scenario, I was impressed with the fact that they were, on the whole, wonderful people. But as I interviewed the one everyone had trouble with (let's call him "Dean"), I noticed something different. You see, with everyone else that I talked to, I felt loved. The love for Christ and for other people just seemed to ooze out of them. But when I talked to Dean - not so much.

Now I'm not the brightest bulb in the string, and I certainly don't have impressive religious credentials. But I do have a Bible and the Holy Spirit to guide me. So I began to pray about the situation. I asked, "God, will you show me what you see in these circumstances?" When He answered that prayer, I was amazed. God took me directly to 1 Corinthians 13, where the Apostle Paul explains about love.

If I speak in the tongues of man (several languages) ... but have not love, I am only (making noise). If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor ... but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, ... it is not proud. It is not rude ... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; ... where there is knowledge, it will pass away. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

So there it was. People had described our highly credentialed genius in terms that the Apostle Paul described. Dean was faithful, knowledgeable, a good speaker. He lived a modest lifestyle and didn't seem to be greedy. To be sure, Dean was a "good man" by most every measure known to mankind. (I'm sure his parents must be quite proud of him and his accomplishments in life.)

But here's the thing, Dean had not love. So his degrees? Worthless. His genius? Ineffective at best. His knowledge? Failing. Simply put, all of the qualities that our friend here possessed were virtually cancelled in his relationships because he had not love.

You see, that was no evidence that Dean's heart had never been broken (that we know of) for the Lord. On the other hand, there was strong evidence that he was, for example, prideful as a result of his impressive credentials. He also was short-tempered, was known to "keep score" (keep record of wrongs) and excelled at taking care of himself.

But Dean wasn't known for making sacrifices for others, making apologies when he was wrong, or being forgiving when others were wrong. When asked if they loved Dean - most people confessed that they found it challenging to love him. Despite his worldly attributes, he didn't seem very lovable. When asked if they thought Dean loved them - virtually every single person said no. Some expressed doubt that he could love anyone else. One even reasoned that Dean "might be too smart" to love others!

So here's the thing. Churches often pick their leaders based on credentials like education or years of experience. But it seems that, among other things, God has told us through the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 that those worldly credentials aren't going to be worth much if they're not accompanied by love.

For you see, if I had all these things ... but had not love, I would only be - less than God wants me to be.

Relationship Guidelines

I'm thinking of writing a book. I know - everyone thinks of writing a book. We all have this fantasy that our wisdom is so superior, and our insight so valuable - that the world might clamor to get a copy of our book. In fact, it seems like a moral obligation to write it! Just so you know I'm not in denial on this front, I'm aware of these and other facts. The tendency to become legend in my own mind always stalks me.

That notwithstanding, there are so many things about relationships that I've learned and noticed in these past few years. Based on the interactions I have with other people, I wonder if I'm the only one who has learned or noticed these things. It seems that mankind in general is pretty inept when it comes to effective relationship skills. Simply put, we seem to not be very good at relating to each other.

So what would this gem of a book have to offer? As I think about it, it seems that we could have chapters devoted to specific topics. Here's what I think they might be:

Chapter 1 - Effectively Relating To God
Most of us really don't know who God is. The Bible uses the word "know" differently than we tend to use it in modern culture. It implies an intimate knowledge of the character and nature of - in this case - God. How many of us have an intimate knowledge of the true character and complete nature of God? I suspect very few. If we did, that knowledge would surely drive us to behave differently in prayer, worship and obedience.

Chapter 2 - Marriage
Most of us take marriage for granted. We get into marriage too casually, and often for the wrong reasons. We assume that some marriages work and some just don't. We're really not aware of what marriage requires or promises. If we were, marriage would pose a much more complex proposition for most of us. We might be driven to be much more serious about it on the front end, instead of waiting for the pain of marriage to drive us to seriousness.

Chapter 3 - Love
My sense is that the vast majority of people don't really have a truthful definition of love. 1 Corinthians 13 defines love for us in the Bible. It specifically tells us what love is. Reading that and comprehending it makes it easy to develop an understanding of what love isn't. The thing I notice about love is that it promises nothing for me. If I love someone, it is not a give-and-take kind of thing. It is definitely a give-and-give-some-more proposition. Is there nothing in there for me, the one who loves? Actually, that is the case. And the intriguing thing is that love is still worth it - despite the fact that is offers me nothing.

Chapter 4 - Friends
Who doesn't like to have friends? We all want friends. Some of us are happy to say that we have many friends. But I have learned that knowing someone and being a true friend are entirely different propositions. Being a friend, or having a friend both have to transcend offenses, insults, imperfections, mistakes, oversights, flubs, gaffs and disappointments. If you and I are truly friends, I will definitely disappoint you. We'll be so close that it will be unavoidable. But our love and respect for each other will transcend that junk that inevitably comes between us. Knowing someone, or being their acquaintance just doesn't usually survive such things.

Chapter 5 - Social Circles
So you're in a social circle. Maybe it's a club, or a small group at your church. It's a group of people that you know, whom you intentionally associate with for a purpose. Most of us would admit that this purpose is growth. Yet many of us have no idea how to grow in such an environment. What happens if the group does something you don't agree with? Do you step away? Drop out? Or do you work through it? What if some members of the group are annoying or just don't seem to fit in for whatever reason? What do you do with that. It seems to me that the groups I've been in have largely been characterized by superficial relationships that barely stand any testing at all. When there is conflict, it can blow the group apart. In fact, introduce conflict and you'll soon see just how fragile the group is!

Chapter 6 - Annoying People
Okay, they're everywhere. You know who they are. Perhaps you're even one of them! Annoying people are going to show up in every walk of life. What do we do about this? How should we respond? Often we seem to think that annoying people are more wrong, as compared to our being more right. It seems that some level of judgement, condescension and even superiority can easily creep into the dynamics when I'm trying to relate to someone that I've decided is annoying. The thing I notice about annoying people is that God created them in His image. What does that say about God? Another thing I notice is that they get into heaven. I might have to spend eternity with them! It is clear that there is a successful and effective way of dealing with people that we find annoying. How many of us are aware of that and engaged in deploying that successful method when we are faced with annoying people?

Chapter 7 - Animals
Animals and pets have become a very important part of life in the western world. Few among us would argue that they are relevant and add value to the quality of our lives. So what could be said about relating to animals? Well, it seems that we may go overboard at times. Immense wealth is spent --- and squandered --- on animals. I look at the story of creation and see that God had a purpose in animals. His purpose was that they are to serve mankind. They are dispensable, for our consumption, use and pleasure. To a large extent, they serve that purpose today. But all too often we see people going off the deep end. We see God's purposes perverted. People will claim that their dogs "are my babies." They lavish as much love and affection on the dog as God expects us to lavish on children and other people. Yet the world is full of unloved children and adults. I suspect this is not what God intended. Mind you, I'm not againt pets. I have one myself. But I know who she is and I relate to her effectively --- reserving my love and relationship skills for people first.

There are several more chapters I could write here, but suffice to say that the book the world needs to read won't get written today. It's all I can do to write this simple blog! Perhaps there will come a time when I can simply sit and pontificate --- sharing my wisdom with the world. Until then, I shall be happy to daydream about writing that great book someday!