God-Honoring Divorce?



I've made comments on my Facebook wall and in other places that give way to the fact that I believe we can honor God with things like sin.  Typically my Christian friends and acquaintances will grimace when I do that.  After all, the traditional Christian view is that divorce is unacceptable.  One will often hear born-again believers espousing the Biblical wisdom that "God hates divorce."  It's true, God does hate divorce.  But He allowed Moses to implement provisions for the Israelites to practice it because God knew that sometimes hardened hearts make marriage rather ungodly.

Moses in Deuteronomy 24:1-2 allowed a man to divorce his wife and for her to be married to another. When Jesus was questioned about this in Mark 10:1-9, He made it clear that divorce was not in God’s order in the beginning, but was allowed because of the hardness of the people’s hearts.  Knowing the nature and character of God, it isn't a stretch to conclude that divorce isn't God's plan for His children.  One can readily imagine that divorce saddens our Lord.  Nevertheless, our human experience ... applied against Scripture and prayer ... sometimes reveals that divorce is inevitable.

Let's face it, some of the marriages that Christians find themselves in are just plain ungodly.  The respective spouses loathe each other.  They don't like each other.  They don't respect each other.  They don't enjoy spending time with each other.  Even being civil to each other can be quite stressful. 

I've counseled couples where the wife would sheepishly admit that she'd told her daughters things like, "I hope you don't grow up and marry someone like your father."  Or the husband would admit that he felt guilty for sometimes wishing his wife would just disappear --- so his life wouldn't have to be so complicated. 

Mind you, I don't advocate divorce.  But if the two have made every possible effort to salvage the relationship ... it may be time to face the inevitable.  Instead of staying together "for the sake of the children," might it be time to divorce for the sake of everyone involved.  If you can't give your kids two healthy parents, can you give them one?  There may come a time when you must submit yourself and your marriage to the Lord, and seek His counsel.  And when you do, you might not be the first person I've ever heard say that the Lord released you from this marriage.  (I think He actually can do that!)

So what happens when you come to the conclusion that the marriage is without a future.  You've prayed and waited on the Lord's leading.  You're now confident that the Lord is giving you permission to exit this marriage.  What then?  Enter my concept of a "God-honoring divorce."  To be clear, I still think divorce is the very last resort.  One should never take it lightly.  It breaks God's hear to see two people get to this regrettable place in their relationship.  But when one or more hearts is so hardened, it's time to talk about how we might go about honoring God with our divorce.

An acquaintance of mine recently sought my counsel on his own divorce.  Experiencing much pain, he asked for my opinion about how he should respond to the hurtful things he was experiencing.  It seemed from the circumstances that his wife wasn't pursuing a very Christ-like response to the situation (despite the fact that she agreed the divorce was the appropriate course of action).  What should he do?  How should he respond to his divorce and his wife's unfair attacks?  Let me share what I told him:

1. Examine your ways and test them (Lamentations 3:40).  Make sure that you've owned your part in the conflict.  Be sure that you've taken responsibility for what is your responsibility.
2. Your pain can speak louder than your true beliefs.  Take every thought and word captive to God's truth (Proverbs 4:23 & Proverbs 13:3).
3. If you think your spouse isn't being fair with you, look no further than Jesus' own example.  He was accused unfairly: 

           - He made no statements on His own behalf.

           - He made no accusations against His accusers.

           - He kept no account of the wrongs of His accusers.

           - He answered questions with as few words as possible.

           - He went into the conflict trusting in the Lord.

           - He went into the conflict planning to forgive His accusers.

 

While Jesus clearly had no sin, had done no wrong, and knew how right He really was, it's clear from His example and His teaching that if He had done any wrong, He would have readily owned up to it, made whatever amends for it He could possibly make, and accepted the consequences of His own poor choices with humility and graciousness ... and not anger, frustration, fear, or retaliation.

 

If you are going to walk through your divorce in any way that honors God, you must start now to forgive your spouse for everything that he did and didn't do.  You must expect and plan to forgive or for everything that he will and won't do. 

 

For men, you committed to love her as Christ loved the church.  That would be the church that accused Him unfairly, spit on Him, beat Him, tortured Him, mocked Him, lied about Him, unfairly and wrongly accused Him, cheated Him, crucified Him, and continued to reject Him even after His human life ended.  Yes, that would be the church that He died for.  And that's the same commitment you've made to your ex-wife or soon-to-be ex-wife.  Now that the marriage is ending, your commitment to God continues.  You will still have to love her like Christ loved His church --- even after your marriage ends.

 

You will never be allowed to list for anyone, even for yourself, all the things she's done wrong.  You will never be allowed to explain to anyone, or even think to yourself, how right you are or how unjust the situation has been to you.  You will have to hang on the proverbial cross, forgiving her and asking God to forgive her --- even as she drives away with your kids, your money, your reputation, your heart, your sacrifice, your antiques, your family keepsakes, and maybe even your lawnmower.  (I know the lawnmower is a stretch ... but I'm trying to make a point here.)

 

For women, it's the same.  You love your husband as you love Christ.  You made that same commitment before God.  And divorce doesn't let you off the hook.  You promised to love and honor him - sacrificially.  If you have to sue him to get him to pay his child support, you do so without bad-mouthing him.  If he remarries a 25 year old blond, you sit with them at your daughter's graduation with love and forgiveness in your heart and eyes.  You have anything bad to say about him, you say it to the Lord in prayer.

 

It's a tall order.  If you're about to divorce, examine your heart and make sure you're up for this.  If the Lord gave you permission to exit this marriage, He gave it with these conditions.  Make sure that you're ready and willing to call on Jesus to help you pull this off.  My guess is you're going to need His supernatural power to do this.

 

If you're already divorced, even if it's ugly, it's not too late.  Get on your knees and commit your divorce to the Lord.  Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you in your responses to your ex-spouse.  Plan to forgive.  Plan to obey.  And plan to walk in the confidence that the Lord has given you everything you need to honor Him with your divorce, the pain of your divorce, the losses of your divorce, and even the scars of your divorce. 

 

I can't say it too much, divorce is NOT the Lord's plan for His people.  But when it is inevitable, His people can still walk through it in ways that give honor and glory to their Lord and Savior.  The only question is whether you really want to.

Marriage Wisdom

I write this other blog (http://www.dearvictorious.blogspot.com/) where people write me with questions. On the whole, I've been pleased to see that the questions vary widely in nature and run a complete gamut of topics. If there has been any real concentration, I'd have to say it tends to be about sex and marriage. It seems people have a lot of questions about that.

Preachers often preach about marriage in such virtuous tones. The typical sermon fodder will be about husbands loving their wives "as Christ loved the church" and even as they love their own bodies (Ephesians 5:25-33). A typical marriage sermon will also touch on wives submitting to their husbands "as they would to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22-24).

To be perfectly honest, I don't find either of these metaphors particularly useful in our modern culture. Let's face it, not a lot of men (or women) are intimately familiar with how Christ loves the church. And similarly, not a lot of women (or men) are intimately familiar with how we are to submit ourselves to the Lord. Why would that be? How could we be ignorant of such fundamental concepts?

Let's face it, most of us haven't had good role models. When the televangelist or youth pastor "leads us to Christ," he or she never, ever makes sure we grasp the concepts of sacrificial love and submission. Yet both are absolutely fundamental to both the Christian faith and godly marriages.

The same is true for marriage ceremonies. While traditional marriage vows have tended to include the wife "obeying" the husband - many modern marriage ceremonies conveniently edit that part out or gloss over it as they go. Have you ever watched that tawdry (American) TV show, "Bridezilla?" It shows brides-to-be acting like the most ungodly, selfish, uncaring, manipulative and controlling witches ever. Can you imagine that persona submitting and obeying anyone?

I can just imagine a marriage ceremony. "Do you, prospective husband, promise, commit and vow in front of God and man to love your wife sacrificially ... even to death if necessary?" "Do you, prospective wife, promise, commit and vow in front of God and mankind to love your husband, submitting to and obeying him in all things as you would to the Lord?"

If I were preaching that wedding, I'd probably want to add in some further questioning. "Do you, prospective husband, know what sacrificial love is? Have you really evaluated it and do you really know what you're committing to here?" "Do you, prospective wife, have any idea what submission and obedience really look like? Are you fully aware of the dynamics of such behaviors on your part?" "Have either one of you ever loved anyone sacrificially or submitted to and obeyed someone unconditionally?"

So what's my point here? The point is that most couples enter and live in marriages without fully understanding, much less acknowledging, the requirements of a godly marriage. I've done a far bit of marriage counseling in my day. And I am always dismayed with the couples who start off a counseling session by telling how their marriage doesn't work. Or they'll talk about the lack of credentials of their spouse.

There's never comprehension of these two fundamental marriage dynamics - given to us straight from God's Word. Why would that be? Is it that churches don't teach it? Is it that Christians don't model it?

Sexuality is another important topic, both inside and outside of marriage. Both married and single people want to talk about it. For most, it is an area of extreme pain and frustration - for a whole host of reasons. Here again, the contemporary church has Scripture references that are heavily leaned upon. They start with the exclusivity of our sexuality (Matthew 19:3-6, Genesis 1:27 & 2:24).

Some preachers will boldly march forth into the book of Solomon (aka the Song of Solomon). Here we find graphic references to sexuality that might otherwise be found in modern pornographic material. But the pastors cling to it as evidence that God intends for us to be sexy. They'll explain that God appreciates the value of a good "romp in the hay." But I'm not sure that's the right context to be speaking from -- or the right vision to be casting.

King Solomon, who wrote this graphically sexy book, was a noteworthy leader. The son of King David (whom God referred to as "a man after my own heart"), Solomon went on to build the temple. He also was astute enough to ask God for wisdom above all else ... and of course became very wise indeed. God's Word tells us he was the "wisest man who ever lived" (2 Chronicles 1:11-12). Indeed, Solomon wrote many Proverbs, among other things. His writings are testament to his rich wisdom.

But is wisdom the right place to go for the model of sensuality? Solomon may have been a wise man, but he was certainly not the most virtuous. While the Bible recounts many of his accomplishments, it also records his failures. Ultimately his sin - including the sin of idolatry and turning away from God - led to the ruination of his kingdom. So it would seem that the wisest man who ever lived was also one of the more sinful men the world has ever known. Did you know that?

Sexuality, upon close examination, was definitely one of the weakest aspects of Solomon's character. So while the Song of Solomon records in great detail the sensuality of his sexuality ... it tends to leave out some pretty relevant details. Take for example, the fact that Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. By his own account then, Solomon had at least 1,000 sexual partners in his lifetime. How many have you had?

Oddly enough, Solomon, for all his wisdom, failed to put many boundaries on his sexual cavorting. Simply put, his wives and concubines included a substantial number of women of ill repute. Some of Solomon's sex partners (or wives) were actually heathens who neither shared his values or acknowledge his God. A case could be made, based on Scriptural accounts, that some of these women actually led Solomon away from God. Said differently, they enticed him to sin.

So the point here is that Solomon may have had wisdom beyond his years or even beyond his humanness (i.e., divine wisdom). But what he had in wisdom probably rivaled what he lacked in virtue. He was not a good and decent man. It is therefore ironic that modern-day preachers would turn to the Song of Solomon for model of sensuality in the context of God-honoring relationships.

So if the world wants to know more about marriage and sexuality, and Ephesians or Solomon aren't the models --- where do Christians go for effective teaching? Oh, I'm so glad you asked! For starters, they go beyond the obvious. Christians begin to look at marriage and sexuality through the perspective of Jesus Christ.

If Jesus had married, what kind of sex life do you suppose He would have had? Seriously. We purchase those "WWJD?" (What Would Jesus Do) bumper stickers for our cars. What would Jesus do ... in the bedroom? Isn't that really the question we all want to have answered? Isn't it the question we all should really be asking?

For starters, let's look at what Jesus called the two most important Commandments (Matthew 22:37-40). They form the basis for the most important dynamics in a God-honoring marriage.

He said we are to love God above all else. Did you catch that part? How many of our culture's love songs put God first? Yet God says He is to come first. That's before infatuation. That's before hearts that flutter when our mate walks into the room.

And He said we are to love others as we would like to be loved ourselves. Think about that. How would you like to be loved? If you look fat in that outfit, wouldn't you want to know it? Would you feel special if others made sacrifices to express their love for you? Do you like to be on the winning end of compromises?

So just this one Scripture reference gives us bold context for a successful marriage. That context is that I have to come third in this marriage. God comes first. Then my spouse. Then me. Notice the children and the in-laws aren't in this pecking order (yet).

Often Christian counselors will draw a marriage "triangle," which depicts the husband and wife in the bottom corners, and God as the pinnacle or top corner of the triangle. They'll tell you that's what successful marriages look like. I think they're right too. It's been my own experience (by virtue of my own marriage), by working with other married couples, and being a student of marriage, that this so-called relationship "triangle" is not only true, but it's effective.

Over the years, I've developed a list of Marriage Truths that I believe bear repeating here.

1. Your marriage will never truly work unless God is first in each of our respective lives. No exceptions.

2. Marriage requires an extraordinary amount of compromise. You'll find the level and depth of compromise to be more complex than any you've ever experienced in the past.

3. Partners in successful marriages make extreme sacrifices, not only for the good of the marriage ... but for the best of the their spouse.

4. Uncompromising loyalty is always required in a marriage. It means there is always the preference in favor of your spouse, no matter who the competition is.

5. God's amazing grace must be modeled in your marriage. This means that you intend to forgive everything --- before you even know whether or not your partner is sorry or whether they are at fault. You always lead with forgiveness.

6. If you have a successful marriage, you will at times find yourself in situations that seem to smack of persecution. And like Christ did when He was persecuted, you must not try to defend yourself. Rather trust God to lead you through the persecution.

7. Marriages are often like sailing ships, with storms to go through, shallow waters to go through, deep waters to cross, etc. But they don't have the option to stop and get off the ocean. Rather they must keep on sailing, no matter what.

8. Your marriage will inevitably bring you to a "crisis of belief." Your beliefs about God, yourself, your spouse and your marriage will all be heavily tested. And only the strongest survive.

9. Selfishness and self-centeredness must be executed if the marriage is going to work and honor God. Unfortunately they are where most marriages start. People tend to consider their marriage prospects in terms of what's in it for them. That thinking error will need to get corrected before the marriage can thrive. When you get to the place where you can commit to the marriage and remain committed without thought of what's in it for you --- then you know you're ready for marriage.

10. Most of the world's wisdom on marriage is useless. Only God can define successful relationships of any kind. So successfully married people learn to stop listening to the wrong voices and to focus on listening to the right voices.

To conclude, I'd like you to forget what you heard at the last wedding you attended or read on the last greeting card you bought. Those are not marriage wisdom. I'd like you to turn past King Solomon and the Apostle Paul for your marriage advice. Instead, take a serious look at Christ. And ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" For therein lies the secret to a successful marriage and a fulfilling dimension of sexuality in your marriage.

Husbands & Wives

It's a story that's well known in Christianity. In fact it is a story that it's so fundamental to Creation that just about everyone knows it. I'm talking about the story of Adam and Eve, earth's first couple. After God had finished His mighty construction project (i.e., making the world and everything in it), He was pleased that the project had come in on time and on under budget.

But God considered Adam, the only creation He'd made in His own image. Something was just not right. "Then Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18) After having come to this conclusion, God went through the entire inventory of everything He'd made. "... But for Adam, no suitable helper was found." (Genesis 2:20)

It's probably worth pausing right there to think about what exactly God had in mind in terms of a "suitable helper" for Adam. If you're like me, your mind automatically thinks of assistance that's appropriate (i.e., sufficient but not sleazy). Surely there would be plenty of that kind of help around. There were beasts of burden. There were dogs who could be trained and monkeys that could be taught to do most any chore Adam might have. Nevertheless, God found none of them suitable.

Ironically, when God was considering a "suitable helper" for Adam, there was no work that Adam had to do. Remember that Adam was, at the time, sinless. He lived in the Garden of Eden. There was no work to do. None of that "sweat by the brow" kind of stuff had to be contended with at the time. So what exactly was it that God thought Adam needed help with?

This is one of those questions that can't be answered straight from a specific Scripture reference. Instead, the answer must come from the context of God's Word. In other words, we have to look beyond that specific incident and see what God's heart and mind were concerning the matter. For example, how did He instruct husbands and wives to to relate to each other?

The thing is that Adam didn't need any assistance with tasks. Rather he needed something or someone to complete him in spiritual and emotional ways. It seems that God had created man with an innate need for woman. It was a spiritual need. It was an emotional need. And of course there is that sexual need. But all things considered, God wired man to be live in intimate relationship with woman.

So let's fast forward to present times. (After all, it's only a few thousand years!) Men and women go about the business of marrying each other all the time. We do it in every religion and in every culture. Sometimes there are differences (i.e., arranged marriage), but the intent is the same. It's a fundamental goal of the human race to be married. Men need to be husbands. And women needs to be wives.

But I believe this need to be married is so fundamental to who we are that maybe we overlook the higher purpose that God had in mind all along. As a man, it is not good for me to be alone. And it is God's desire that I have a "suitable helper." She's not there for sex. She's not there to have babies and raise them. She's not there to do the laundry, clean the house or cook the meals.

This wife that God created me to need? She is there, to complement me. Check the spelling of that word. The dictionary says that it means to "complete or make perfect." In this godly wife that God ordained for me, I find myself complete. I find my emotional being is complete. And of course my wife finds the same things. Without me, she is incomplete. As I am there to nurture her, to be safe for her, to help her stay balanced with a firm grip on reality. It's what husbands and wives do for each other. In this way, we are complete --- as God intended.

Husbands and wives, let's stop and consider how we relate to each other. Do we focus on how our spouse didn't meet our expectations? Did we focus on what we could or should get out of this relationship (with our spouse)? Or do we get up every morning and ask God to show us how to complement each other that day?

"Lord, I'm grateful for the spouse that you gave me. Help me to be a good steward of that opportunity, no less than the stewardship that I owe you for everything else I am and have in this life. Give us both Your perspective on things that would seek to divide us. Fill us both with your Spirit and lead our thoughts, our words and our deeds each day such that we can honor you by complementing ... completing each other. We ask these things in Jesus' name. Amen."

Marriage Secrets

You know, a whole industry seems to have evolved in the last 50 years around the institution of marriage. Seriously, the kids and toddlers have their industries (toys and learning). The teen-agers have their industries (clothes and entertainment). So the marriage industry has come to play the game as well.

Players from psychology, religion, and other professions have produced a plethora of books, tapes, CD's, seminars, etc. All are aimed at making your marriage better. We have "love languages," dichotomies like (the planets of) Venus and Mars, and even magazines. We hear about better sex, better communications, vacations together, vacations apart and even instrustions on writing love letters.

Why do these businesses (often packaged as ministries) find such a hungry market for what they have to sell? Why do people find marriage to be such a challenging proposition? Has it always been that way?

Did Adam and Eve struggle in their marriage? Did Joseph and Mary struggle in their marriage (when they were raising the Christ child)? Even in later generations, did our great grandparents and other ancestors in the last century or two find marriage to be the challenging proposition that we apparently find it to be? Somehow --- I suspect not.

The Bible says that the marriage partners are to leave their families and their homes --- and become one unit. That would be of one mind, one spirit, one set of (common) goals, etc. Each sets aside his or her own interests for the sake of this new union. They come ready to make sacrifices and concessions, to offer forgiveness and compromise, and to truly love and support each other in that union. It's clear that God's view of the marriage is that the union of the two takes priority over the individuals that comprise the union.

What's so hard about this? Is it possible that people are coming into marriage without this realization? I've counseled several married couples who find their marriage is a painful place to be. And they want God to fix it. Invariably, when I ask about how and when they consulted God before entering into this marriage --- I get blank stares. Not once has one of these couples who are coming in for counseling been able to say that they had consulted God before entering into their present marriage.

Why would we make a decision to jump into a marriage based on our own understanding, our own intuition, our own feelings and our own knowledge ... and then blame it on God when it doesn't work out? If I were God, I'd be really peeved about this! But that's exactly what people do!

The marriage vows say, "... what God has joined together ..." But the problem is that most of the marriages we have in our country (the U.S.) today are not unions that God created of the heart. Quite truthfully, they are legal unions created with a religious ritual. In most cases, God wasn't even invited to the wedding! And it's clear that neither party was focused on God when they made this deal amongst themselves.

The University of Virginia has begun a rather comprehensive project to study marriage in America. It's simply called "The National Marriage Project" (http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/). The dimensions of the initiative include trends, dynamics, and of course lots of so-called "findings." I expect that the end game is to produce some conventional and practical wisdom about this institution of marriage.

So far, an interesting observation is emerging from this study. It is that Americans are doing a better job of staying married. The divorce rate in America - for the first time in decades - is falling. Now researchers say that it could be because of economic pressures. They believe that people will tolerate a bad marriage or postpone a divorce for economic reasons. And they've got some case examples to illustrate that notion.

But I wonder how much attention they've paid to the possibility that American men and women are getting better at marriage. Is it possible, for example, that we're finally overcoming the scars of the industrial revolution - which fractured the traditional family dynamics - and learning how to be a true family again? Could it be that spouses are learning the value of forgiveness in a marriage? Might there be any chance that selfishness is beginning to take a back seat to the value of this union?

I'm under no illusion that spouses are better husbands and wives. My own marriage would be a good example of that. We still have our flaws and have to offer each other grace at times. But we're working on 26 years now, and are more committed to this union than we were in the beginning. (Somehow that comes as a bit of a surprise.) But we're making it. And I know people who are staying married longer, divorcing less, and learning to work through their issues. That their marriages are intact is a victory.

I don't know what the ultimate outcome of The National Marriage Project will be. And you may call me a dreamer - but I'd like to believe that whether or not people are turning to God in their marriages ... they are at least turning to each other. And that, folks, is a victory in the fabric of American society!

What Matters Most

It had been planned for almost a year. I think we sent "save the date" cards out in January. Shopping for the right hotel. Picking the invitations. Selecting the menu. Interviewing DJ's. Checking out photographers. Deciding the drink assortment. What should we wear? What's the dress? Do we need a guest book?

Of course, after it had all been planned, we realized there were going to be out-of-towners here at least one extra night. So more planning. A pool party and BBQ. We had to eat at three different BBQ joints to decide who had the best meat and who had the best side dishes. Beer or wine? Iced tea and lemonade --- or sodas? What if it's too hot? What if it rains? (It did.)

Such was the planning for our 25th wedding anniversary. My wife and I had a simple wedding in Gaithersburg, Maryland - 25 years ago this week. It was a church wedding with a real minister. The state required two witnesses. My wife's mother flew in from Florida. No one else came because we'd just moved to Maryland and didn't know anyone. We had no out-of-towners who would come at that time. (The organist in the church served as the second witness.)

We had no wedding reception. We had no presents to speak of. (I think one of my aunts gave us a blanket though.) So as far as weddings go, it was pretty unmemorable. We were married. It was legal. And we set off ... two clueless morons with no idea of what marriage is or what is necessary to make it work. We had no role models (that we knew of) and no idea what kind of a ride we were in for. More than once, we hit some pretty major bumps in the road. But we got through them. We eventually learned how to do this dance called marriage.

As we looked at our silver anniversary, we decided a party was in order. We'd never really celebrated our marriage. We'd spent many married years not celebrating --- but slugging our way through it. The time seemed right to celebrate. Twenty-five years was a milestone that seemed rather significant to both of us. It meant an accomplishment; the completion of one of the most difficult challenges either of us has ever faced. It's a good marriage. We're best friends. But it's taken a lot of hard work to get us here.

When the guests started arriving at the hotel ballroom, things turned a bit surreal. Some were early. (We weren't ready.) Some were late. (We'd worried they weren't coming.) Probably no more than a third of the guests had arrived when we both realized we were getting a little choked up. Old friends were suddenly with us. Dear friends from our recent past. Dear friends from years past. There were people we hadn't seen in years. (Fortunately, we recognized most of them.)

What we both began to realize was that, in addition to learning to cherish each other, our journey had included so many people with whom we'd made heart connections along the way. Each is precious to us. (We didn't invite anyone who isn't.) It was my turn to welcome the guests before we prayed before dinner. No eloquent speech from this guy. I don't even know what I said. But what I was feeling was an overwhelming sense of honor. We were so humbled that so many people would love us so much to set aside a night like this to celebrate with us. I got choked up just trying to greet everyone.

For sure, the room full of people didn't represent all of the people that we know and love. There were many more. The guest list had been put together about a year in advance. If we were doing it today it would be even longer. One of my friends was giving a toast and he surmised that perhaps our circle of friends and loved ones was even bigger than this room full of people, but that "these were all the friends they could afford to feed." Little did he know how close to the truth he'd gotten!

The thing is, as we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this week, we realize that our marriage is a precious gift from God. We've made it. What an excellent adventure it has been! We can't wait to see what the next 25 years will hold in store for us. But the one single thing we are both focused on is the number of absolutely wonderful people that God has put in our lives. We are so blessed with deep, intimate friendships. And this is what we value most in life. It is what matters most. And it is wealth that we both are very intent on continuing to build.

Good Husband

I've done some marriage counseling in my day. I've also worked through my own marriage for 25 years now. I think I've learned a thing or two about marriage. But there is something about husbands and wives that I still think we need to work on. It would seem that women have one level of thinking about husbands - and vice versa.

But I notice that God has given us a pretty strong model for being a husband. And I'm not talking about the standard scriptures that are referenced - where the husband should love his wife like Christ loved the church. To be fair, most men don't have a clue how to put that into practice. They may agree with it, and they may intend to do it. But the fact of the matter is that they don't really know how. So let's make it practical for you guys (and you gals).

A good husband honors his wife. He will protect, respect, help and stay with her. He will be faithful to her, even in his thoughts, his entertainment and his fantasies. After God, she will be first in his life. And his choices will prove it.

A good husband will not expect his wife to work full time outside the home and full time at home. He will work to lighten her load whenever and wherever he can. He'll be at least an equal partner in the household chores, child-rearing duties and other duties. She'll only pick up an unequal share of those duties if her workload outside the home is less than his.

A good husband will be sensitive to his wife's needs. That includes physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He will work hard and sacrifice to see that her needs are provided for - even after his death. He won't resent her needs being met over his. He will consider it a joy to make sacrifices for her - and will freely set aside his needs in favor of hers.

A good husband will relate to his wife with courtesy, consideration, insight and tact. He not be mean-spirited with comments or criticisms. He will not hesitate to correct her when she is wrong ... but will do so with love and respect. He will wade into conflicts to resolve them. He will make her feel safe and will challenge her to be better. In fact, a good husband will bring out the best in his wife.

A good husband will speak well of his wife, even when she's not around. He will be thoughtful as he speaks to her. He will not embarrass her. He will make it obvious that she is a delight to him. He will treasure her and cherish her. And no one will have to guess how he really feels about his wife. His eyes will show it, as they light up when he speaks of her.

A good husband will lead his wife. He will be the spiritual leader in the household. He will set the pace for the family. He will do so in such a way that it is a joy for her to follow him.

Finally, before you start writing letters to tell me about how your wife doesn't live up to the godly wife you expect her to be ... let me tell you how she acts isn't a contingency for how you act. Good husbands are good husbands even if their wives aren't good wives!

Britney on Marriage

Much has been written about Britney Spears this past year. Most of it has not been positive. She's come off in the press looking like a fool. Some would argue that it's post-birth depression. Some would argue that it's the divorce she's gone through. Some would argue that "everyone just wants a piece of her" and she's cracked under the stress.

I try to observe the world and figure out what's really going on. I try not to judge people like Britney Spears. I try to imagine what it might be like to be her father. What would I say to her? How would I parent her? Would my relationship with her be much different than my relationship with my two adult daughters?

While reading up on everything Britney, I ran across a quote from early in her marriage to Kevin Federline. She is to have said, "I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and get the pool boy to walk the dog? Can't I just make out with Kevin all the time? Being married sucks!"

This, my friends, may give us a glimpse into all things Britney.

Valentine's Day

Its Valentine's Day; the day when we celebrate love. An interesting celebration it is too. Candy, flowers, cards. I've noticed that the flowers seem to get cheaper as they go into the tents in the Kroger parking lot ... but the cards get pricier as they stack up on fancy kiosks --- in the same store. What's up with that?

Love is an interesting proposition. Society often talks about being in love. We see the magazines on the news stands heralding some new celebrity and how happy they are with their latest love. It occurs to me that happiness isn't the point of love. The Bible has a lot to say about love. It speaks of God's love for us --- incredible. It speaks of our love for God --- usually falling short. It speaks of our love for each other --- probably misunderstood. So what are we celebrating here?

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ... When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. - 1 Corinthians 13 (NLV)

So there it is, the real definition of love. Will you get or give a Valentine's Day card that reflects that truth? Or will you get a card that speaks and reasons and thinks as a child? Does your focus of love include patient and kind? Not jealous or rude? Does it demand its own way? Many of us grew up having life experiences from people who loved us, but we didn't experience it. Few among us have escaped the lament of, "I don't want to grow become my parents."

Why don't we? Mostly because we saw an imperfect love. We saw a love that was tainted with sin and other aspects of humanity. But then we go out in our own lives and start building the same dimensions of love for those we care about and are in relationship with. If I had been the Apostle Paul and had written 1 Corinthians 13, I probably would have added something like, "Love is not perfect. It forgives everything. Love doesn't sweat the small stuff."

And don't get me started about sex. Somehow Valentine's Day cards have become racy. I've seen some in the card racks that looked nearly obscene. I'm sure if I went to different stores, I probably could find obscene Valentine's Day cards. When did we equate sex with love? It is a dimension of love. It is not the dimension of love. The presence of sex doesn't signify the presence of love. By contrast, the absence of sex doesn't indicate the absence of love.

To be honest, I think we've been deceived by sexuality. When most of us think of "good sex," we think of what we got out of it. In other words, we focus on the selfish dimensions of the experience. Look at 1 Corinthians 13, and ask yourself what it promises for you? There is nothing selfish about it. Nowhere does it say love is rewarding, meets all your needs, makes you feel significant, makes you feel safe. Quite the contrary, the truth about love is what you can give, not what you can get. Now, re-think your sexuality in that filter, and see what you can give.

Sexuality has become perhaps the biggest joke of mankind. Whatever God meant for good we have certainly perverted to a sense that one might question what value can be left. In today’s' news, a woman in German auctioned off the opportunity to have sex with her in an on-line auction site. Six (6) men won bids to have sex with her. She willingly had sex with all six them, knowing each of them only by their on-line ID. (Read about it at http://www.reuters.com/article/technologyNews/idUSL1355570120080213).

Do you suppose this was God's plan for sex? Do you suppose there could be any love here whatsoever? Making the travesty even worse, now she is pregnant and can't imagine which one of the men is the father. I'm guessing her future son or daughter may have some questions about what love is. Too bad mom and dad won't have any answers.

This Valentine's Day, let us reflect on 1 Corinthians 13. Let us consider what love really is. And let us resolve to change our thinking and our ways concerning love. If we ever get that right, then it truly will be a happy Valentine's Day!