"Normal Life"

We were getting into bed the other night and chatting casually. Basically we were looking back over all that had happened that day. Most remarkable to us was that our day wasn't boring or normal. I think I said something like, "I thought life was to get more boring the older you get. Aren't we old enough yet to have a boring life?" My wife corrected me and said something like, "Well that only applies to people who have a normal life. You forget dear ... that we don't have a normal life." And I knew she was right. We don't. In fact, I don't know anyone who has a life that looks anything like ours. It's not that we're special. It's not that our life is considerably better ... or worse than anyone else's life. It's just that it is different. How does our life differ from the lives of just about everyone else that we know? It's actually hard to explain. But I suspect it has something to do with how we've constructed our family. My wife and I have 11 adopted children. Three of them were adopted here in the U.S. The other eight are in Uganda. To be sure, we'd like to have them here with us all the time, but so far God hasn't made that possible. So, we're maintaining two households, one here in the U.S. and one in Uganda. We've got two electric bills, two water bills, two payments, and of course two food bills. We've got school expenses --- sometimes it seems that they are about to overwhelm us! But it's not just our children and family situation that makes life different. We are in ministry. Many years ago we began to see our marriage as a ministry base. And as ministries go, this one covers a range of activities. My wife, for example, mentors an Iranian women who is trying to leave Islam and become a Christian. She only speaks Farsi and is struggling with English. I got involved in a ministry that trains indigenous pastors in rural Africa - and I write the curriculum myself ... based on what their needs are. As you might imagine, my wife's ministry focus seems to center around children. So she is constantly engaging in some way with children. It might be teaching a pre-school class at our church. It might be collecting and sorting clothes for foster children. It could be volunteering in the English-as-a-second-language lab and an underprivileged school. A few years ago my wife decided to return to work outside the home. She got a job in the library of a school on the east (poor) side of town. After working there a little while, she got laid off. But she felt so called to minister to these children that she continued to work there for another full year --- for free. Now I don't know if this is true, but it also seems that our lives are considerably more complicated than the lives of other people that we know. Maybe they are, or maybe that's just my perception. But we seem to have more than our fair share of problems and obstacles to contend with on a regular basis. More things break down. More things need sorting out. Sometimes there's more drama. (Sometimes there's a lot of drama!) None of this deters us, mind you. We plod through it, knowing that God is sufficient for all our needs and obstacles in life. We try not to worry about anything, and just usually turn to Him and say something like, "Well okay, God. How did you want me to respond to this?" The final area where I think our life is different and maybe not so normal is in the level of blessings we've received. Without a doubt, we are the most blessed people that we know. I don't say that smugly or anything. Truly we don't deserve to be the most blessed people that we know. But we've seen God intervene in our lives, time and time again, in some pretty miraculous ways. And we see how tragic life could be without God leading us through it. Let me expound on that just a bit. I remember reading Psalm 23 several years ago. At the time I was going through quite a bit of pain and heartache. This Psalm didn't comfort me at the time. But I identified with it. I was focused on my problems and my misery. The psalmist wrote, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ..." I thought to myself, "Oh, he's in my neighborhood. That's definitely where I've spent most of my life ... walking through the valley of the shadow of death!" Quite honestly, looking back, I see that I was a bit too focused on my problems at the time. Maybe I was having myself a pity party or something. But I continued to think about that psalm and God asked me to consider the rest of it as well. "... I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He restoreth my soul. ..."Oh my goodness, He totally does all that! In fact God gives me peace in the midst of circumstances that would suggest there is should be no peace at all. It wasn't long before I began to see Psalm 23 as a wonderful truth in my life. I also realized that my life is not "normal" and that I'm quite okay with that. I don't want life to be normal. I want it to keep being interesting and challenging and dynamic. Mind you, I would never want to face life without God. But since I have God, the entire meaning of life changes. Most of all, it goes from "normal" to extraordinary before you even realize it!

Adoption Realities

If you’ve read my blogging for any length of time, you’re probably aware that I’m a proponent of adoption. Parenting and loving children whom you did not give birth to is not a new concept. It’s been around for centuries. But in modern times, some truths have emerged that aren’t so pretty. I can see these truths. There’s evidence of these truths that would back up my observations. And yet, I’ve never seen anyone write about them or address. Not even Oprah seems to have picked up on these ugly truths about modern adoption.

So what’s the deal? What controversies am I about to ignite today? Bear with me here. I think I have some points worth making. Let’s examine what I can observe.

The first thing I notice is that despite all of our progressive, civilized thinking, there are more children in the world today without parents than there’ve ever been. Estimates by international charities and governments put the number of orphans, for example, as somewhere north of 30 million. Imagine, more than 30 million children are growing up without parents. It’s a staggering number. Sadly, it’s a growing number too. The world’s population of orphans may be one of the fastest growing segments of mankind.

The second thing I notice is that more people are spending more money, waiting longer and working harder than ever before to become adoptive parents. It sort of doesn’t make sense. You’d think the theory y of supply-and-demand would kick in here … and that the proliferation of orphans would drive down the cost of adopting them. But that would assume the adoptive parents are genuinely interested in the orphans and have their best interests at heart. They often times don’t.

A lot of the money spent on adoption today is spent because the adoptive parents are selfish. The adoption is all about them --- and not about the child they’ll get. Few people who spend money adopting a child are driven because the Lord moved in their hearts toward the child. Instead, they see themselves as parents, and decide (for a variety of reasons) to fulfill that identity with adoption. Now that I’ve decided to become a parent, it’s just a matter of deciding which child to adopt, from where, how much it’ll cost and how long it’ll take.

This is not unlike the woman in the news recently, who decided she would marry on a certain date next year. She’s gone about planning the wedding, purchasing all she’ll need and engaging everyone she wants to make it her special day. Her final objective now is to find the husband who will meet her requirements in her decision to become a wife. It sounds crazy doesn’t it? It’s been in the news and people are talking about it because it’s unconventional, a bit outrageous, and more than a little self-centered and piggish of this bride-to-be. It also shares several things in common with many of the people who decide to become adoptive parents.

I talked with someone recently who told me, “If I’m not married by the time I’m 35, then I plan to just adopt a kid.” In a similar conversation a few months ago, someone was trying to conceive a child – to no avail. When I suggested adoption, they responded, “Oh, we may consider that. But we’d want to try and have our own child first. If we can’t do that then we’ll adopt.” In yet another conversation about a year ago, I was talking to someone who has adopted internationally several times, and they were explaining how expensive it has been. When I questioned the need for such expense, the woman answered, “Oh it’s been expensive, but it has totally been worth it because we’ve been able to select just the right children to build the family we wanted.”

These are not moronic people. They’re not evil people either. But they consider such statements to be totally plausible. And yet they fail to see the giant label of selfishness that’s stamped all over these perspectives. Their adoptions of orphans are all about them. The actual child is inconsequential to their overall strategy. Just like the ambitious bride who plans her marriage and then shops for prospective husbands – these people plan their parenthood and then shop for prospective children. I imagine some of these adoption agencies feel a bit like order takers sometimes. “Tell me what kind of child you want, how much you’re willing to pay – and I’ll see what I can find that meets your requirements.”

I know, you’re going to tell me that my perspective is overly cynical and mean-spirited. But you won’t be able to convince me that I’m wrong. These adoption efforts have selfishness stamped all over them. Call me a cynic, but I believe adoption should be about the child. “Are there any unwanted, unloved children out there? Let me be the one to stand in the gap and love on them. Come here my little one. I will love you. I will lead you. I will nurture you.” Such a driving force would not likely find an abundant supply of perfect Caucasian infants (which is what most adoptive parents are seeking these days).

The third thing I notice is that most people are ignorant about the plight of children today. They don’t know, for example that there are more than 30 million orphans – most of whom will never be adopted by anybody. They don’t know that in the U.S. there are thousands upon thousands of children in foster care mostly because they had inappropriate parents. They’re available for adoption. Most states even offer financial assistance to the adoptive parents. But they are often of mixed race, physically and/or mentally handicapped, in sibling groups, have health issues and probably are emotionally ill. And no one will take them, love them, lead them, nurture them and raise them. They will be “wards of the state” until they reach chronological age of adulthood – at which point they will be sent out into society to fend for themselves. States don’t care for parentless adults. They don’t send them to college. They don’t help them find their first job. How many people know that? Do you suppose if they did they would continue to spend tens of thousands of dollars seeking perfect white infants from abroad?

The fourth thing that I know about adoption is that it can be incredibly challenging. Even perfect white infants from Russia or China (or whatever country is in favor at the moment) will come with emotional baggage. They didn’t get nurtured at their mother’s breast. They didn’t have that skin-on-skin contact that is so vital in infancy to a child’s ability to bond and trust and relate. So adoptive parents should expect to spend thousands on therapy, special schooling and maybe even family counseling. Raising adopted children has its challenges. And some of them can be severe. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Several years ago there was a riveting movie called, Mommie Dearest. It was the story of Hollywood actress Joan Crawford and her mothering of her four adopted children. As the story goes, Joan wanted to be a mother, so she went and got the children she needed to meet that requirement. Unfortunately, her children were dynamic. They were complex. They had feelings, and demands. They could be rebellious. They could be inconvenient. They required sacrifices. And as the story played out, we saw that several of these things had apparently not been in Joan’s plans for motherhood. I suspect they’re not in the plans that lots of people have for parenthood.

So what’s the point? Why am I blogging today about this? Well, believe it or not, I’m not trying to bash adoptive parents. Any child that gets adopted and becomes loved and cared for is a good thing – regardless of the motive behind the adoption. But frankly, I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere with these millions of orphans unless our motives change.

Could we have a noble belief – such as the notion that we could eliminate orphans? We hold fast to the ideal that we can, for example, eradicate poverty. Could we hold a similar ideal for the plight of unloved, unwanted, and uncared for children in the world?

The situation won’t improve until the hearts of capable adults are broken for these children. It is my prayer that at least 30 million hearts would be broken for today’s parentless children. They’re in foster care. They’re in orphanages. They’re on the streets, fending for themselves. They’re trapped in sexual slavery (literally thousands of them). Many of them have been abused physically, sexually or emotionally. Most of them have suffered extreme neglect. They want for basic needs like nutrition, health care and education.

Can our self-centered hearts turn from the ideal of using the orphans to fill the orders that our idyllic lives require? Can our hearts be broken for these children? Will we step out in faith and in sacrifice on their behalf? That is my prayer. It is my great hope.

So tell me, do you have room in your heart for any more of God’s children today? How many empty beds are in your home right now? Can you honestly look at 30 million children whom nobody wants and nobody loves --- and tell me that God “hasn’t called you” to do anything about that?

Madonna's Kids

Well, fresh from her British divorce, it appears that American pop singer Madonna is on the verge of adopting another child from Africa. This time it is reported to be a four-year old little orphan girl. You may remember that Madonna adopted a boy not that long ago, from Malawi. (These African adoptions are not Madonna's only children.)

Save the Children - a British children's charity - is urging Madonna to "think twice." In a press release this week, Save the Children said they are in no way suggesting that Madonna hasn't done everything "by the book." But they said that "sometimes the book can fail." They went on to explain that these orphan children really should be kept in their extended families and in their ancestral communities.

This of course is not the first time an American celebrity has adopted from a third world country. (As of late, it seems to be quite the thing to do!) It is also not the first time such a celebrity has been criticized for adopting these children. I doubt that it will be the last.

So here's the thing. There are something like 30 million orphans in the world right now. I haven't seen hoards of people lining up from any country to adopt them. So Save the Children, I respectfully disagree with your conclusion. On the one hand, we can leave this four-year old little girl in her community in Malawi. She'll be raised in poverty, with poor nutrition, poor education and probably not have a long or fruitful life. Or she can become Madonna's daughter, where she'll get the best advantages the world can offer in terms of health, education, welfare and opportunities. Which do you think is better?

I've blogged before about the plight of Africans who remain in Africa versus those who get out. Generally speaking, those who get out of Africa - even if as descendants of slaves - are doing much better. They live better and they live longer. They are probably happier. And there is no doubt that they are more resourced and more capable because of it.

I don't know how good of a mother Madonna is. But generally speaking, I'd say, "Way to go, girl!" Rescue that child from a hard, impoverished and miserable life. God bless you for it. Now we just need to find about 30 million more people who care enough to stand in the gap for the world's unwanted kids.

American Adoptions

We hear much about the notion of international adoptions. American couples spend vast sums of money to get a child from China, Romania, Korea or wherever. They are always heart warming stories of love. Most always God's name is invoked - as having ordained the whole thing. We always know it's of God when an adoption goes through!

But there is another kind of adoption that is less known. I'm talking about the adoption of children from the foster care system. Currently in America, there are tens of thousands of children in foster care --- ready and available for adoption. Most of them have been abused. Many have just been neglected. State child protection agencies work to resolve the unsuitable situations with birth families - including placing the children with relatives (such as grandparents).

Ultimately, when agency efforts fail, the state terminates the parental rights. At that point, the child becomes a ward of the state. After psychological and health exams, the state determines that the child is a good candidate for adoption ... and the child goes "into inventory." They are literally tracked like inventory of goods - and you can shop for them on-line. Here is the link for the on-line shopping sites of all states in the U.S.

http://www.heartgalleryofamerica.org/Galleries/State_Galleries.asp#tex

Note that most of the larger states have several sites, sorted by region where the children are in foster care. Currently, Texas alone has more than 6,000 children in inventory. They are all ready and available for adoption. In most cases, the State of Texas will offer a financial subsidy to the families that adopt these children. (It works like child support.) Such children will also come with state-paid health insurance (if you want it). They also qualify for free tuition to any state college they might want to attend later in life.

But the truth of the matter is that these 6,000 children in Texas are the children that nobody wants. Their parents have brutalized and terrorized them. Now society rejects them. Instead, we go half way around the world looking for a child to adopt. Meanwhile, these children in our own backyards languish - wishing someone would care enough to adopt them and give them a "forever family."

Jesus said we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. That means we are to do for others what we would want done for us. If I were an abused child in the foster care system in America --- I would definitely want someone to adopt me, to love me and to care for me. I would want someone to give me a family and give me roots.

My wife and I have already adopted three of these children from the Texas foster care system. How many will you adopt?

Our African Children

A couple of years ago, I was on a mission trip to Kampala, Uganda. We had heard about something referred to as "child head families" - where the parents are gone and the children are basically raising themselves; a child is the head of the household. A local pastor volunteered to take us out into the streets and slums one Sunday afternoon and introduce us to some AIDS widows and orphans. We met a few families that day, and also met dozens of orphans there and during a visit to an orphanage in Kampala (Uganda's capital city).

Upon my return to Texas, one group of eight (8) children stuck in my mind. They were led by the eldest, David. We had given them money when we met them and I continued to pray for them. It soon became apparent that God wanted me to do more. I discussed it with my wife and we prayed. Within a couple of months, we found ourselves arguing with God. He was telling us to adopt them!

Of course we rationalized and tried to reason with God, but He would not be deterred. He listened patiently to our excuses. They're on the other side of the world. I was unemployed at the time and we had no income. They're from a different culture. They aren't even documented in their country, so getting passports and visas would be a huge hurdle. Our list of reasons why adopting these children couldn't be possible was lengthy.

In the end, God - being the man of few words that He is, made it clear. "Do what you can to make them yours." That was simple. It was clear. We wrote it down. We looked at each other and said, "Okay, we can do that, God." So we contacted the local African pastor, told him what we felt called to do and asked him to help us find and begin something with those children. Ultimately, we were setting out on a journey to see just what it might be that we could do to make them ours. It turns out there was quite a bit.

Since November 2007, we (with a little early support from some wonderful friends) have had custody of and been the sole support for these eight children. They are AIDS orphans, from three sets of parents. Six (6) are siblings, and the other two are cousins (Bob and Moreen). One of each of their parents was a sibling to a parent of the other six.

We leased a home in Entebbe, Uganda - about 25 miles from the capital, Kampala. We furnished the house - sofas, kitchen ware, beds, etc. We've enrolled each of the kids in private, Christian schools. We've bought bicycles, suits, shoes, clothes. We've gotten medical care, AIDS tests, and lots of hair cuts. I've spent some time staying at the house with the kids. During those visits we've shopped, visited buffets, taken evening walks through the Ugandan neighborhood where they live, and prayed and worshipped together. We've hired a wonderful Christian woman to live in and be the nanny (or house mother) to the children.

I've preached sermons in their local church, and recently both preached and sang solos for the congregation. When I preach, I have one of my sons come up and read the Scripture verses that go with my lesson that morning. The kids have shown me where they used to scrounge for food in dumpsters, and where they used to sleep on the streets. We've cried together and we've shared lots of laughs. Sometimes when I'm there, the boys will just hold my hand and we'll sit quietly with each other. I think to myself, "Okay, God, I'm doing what I can to make them mine."

We're not sure where this journey will take us. But these kids are firmly planted in my heart already. When I left them last week I was surprised to find myself sobbing; I wanted to bring them home with me. Like I said, I don't know where this goes from here - and frankly I don't care. For now, I am privileged to hear them call me Dad ... and to introduce them as our African children. Allow me to present:

Our son, David.
Our daughter, Rose Mary.
Our son, Moses.

Our son, Innocent (with Moreen in the background).

Our son, William.

Our son, Christopher.

Our son, Bob.

Our daughter, Moreen.