God-Honoring Divorce?



I've made comments on my Facebook wall and in other places that give way to the fact that I believe we can honor God with things like sin.  Typically my Christian friends and acquaintances will grimace when I do that.  After all, the traditional Christian view is that divorce is unacceptable.  One will often hear born-again believers espousing the Biblical wisdom that "God hates divorce."  It's true, God does hate divorce.  But He allowed Moses to implement provisions for the Israelites to practice it because God knew that sometimes hardened hearts make marriage rather ungodly.

Moses in Deuteronomy 24:1-2 allowed a man to divorce his wife and for her to be married to another. When Jesus was questioned about this in Mark 10:1-9, He made it clear that divorce was not in God’s order in the beginning, but was allowed because of the hardness of the people’s hearts.  Knowing the nature and character of God, it isn't a stretch to conclude that divorce isn't God's plan for His children.  One can readily imagine that divorce saddens our Lord.  Nevertheless, our human experience ... applied against Scripture and prayer ... sometimes reveals that divorce is inevitable.

Let's face it, some of the marriages that Christians find themselves in are just plain ungodly.  The respective spouses loathe each other.  They don't like each other.  They don't respect each other.  They don't enjoy spending time with each other.  Even being civil to each other can be quite stressful. 

I've counseled couples where the wife would sheepishly admit that she'd told her daughters things like, "I hope you don't grow up and marry someone like your father."  Or the husband would admit that he felt guilty for sometimes wishing his wife would just disappear --- so his life wouldn't have to be so complicated. 

Mind you, I don't advocate divorce.  But if the two have made every possible effort to salvage the relationship ... it may be time to face the inevitable.  Instead of staying together "for the sake of the children," might it be time to divorce for the sake of everyone involved.  If you can't give your kids two healthy parents, can you give them one?  There may come a time when you must submit yourself and your marriage to the Lord, and seek His counsel.  And when you do, you might not be the first person I've ever heard say that the Lord released you from this marriage.  (I think He actually can do that!)

So what happens when you come to the conclusion that the marriage is without a future.  You've prayed and waited on the Lord's leading.  You're now confident that the Lord is giving you permission to exit this marriage.  What then?  Enter my concept of a "God-honoring divorce."  To be clear, I still think divorce is the very last resort.  One should never take it lightly.  It breaks God's hear to see two people get to this regrettable place in their relationship.  But when one or more hearts is so hardened, it's time to talk about how we might go about honoring God with our divorce.

An acquaintance of mine recently sought my counsel on his own divorce.  Experiencing much pain, he asked for my opinion about how he should respond to the hurtful things he was experiencing.  It seemed from the circumstances that his wife wasn't pursuing a very Christ-like response to the situation (despite the fact that she agreed the divorce was the appropriate course of action).  What should he do?  How should he respond to his divorce and his wife's unfair attacks?  Let me share what I told him:

1. Examine your ways and test them (Lamentations 3:40).  Make sure that you've owned your part in the conflict.  Be sure that you've taken responsibility for what is your responsibility.
2. Your pain can speak louder than your true beliefs.  Take every thought and word captive to God's truth (Proverbs 4:23 & Proverbs 13:3).
3. If you think your spouse isn't being fair with you, look no further than Jesus' own example.  He was accused unfairly: 

           - He made no statements on His own behalf.

           - He made no accusations against His accusers.

           - He kept no account of the wrongs of His accusers.

           - He answered questions with as few words as possible.

           - He went into the conflict trusting in the Lord.

           - He went into the conflict planning to forgive His accusers.

 

While Jesus clearly had no sin, had done no wrong, and knew how right He really was, it's clear from His example and His teaching that if He had done any wrong, He would have readily owned up to it, made whatever amends for it He could possibly make, and accepted the consequences of His own poor choices with humility and graciousness ... and not anger, frustration, fear, or retaliation.

 

If you are going to walk through your divorce in any way that honors God, you must start now to forgive your spouse for everything that he did and didn't do.  You must expect and plan to forgive or for everything that he will and won't do. 

 

For men, you committed to love her as Christ loved the church.  That would be the church that accused Him unfairly, spit on Him, beat Him, tortured Him, mocked Him, lied about Him, unfairly and wrongly accused Him, cheated Him, crucified Him, and continued to reject Him even after His human life ended.  Yes, that would be the church that He died for.  And that's the same commitment you've made to your ex-wife or soon-to-be ex-wife.  Now that the marriage is ending, your commitment to God continues.  You will still have to love her like Christ loved His church --- even after your marriage ends.

 

You will never be allowed to list for anyone, even for yourself, all the things she's done wrong.  You will never be allowed to explain to anyone, or even think to yourself, how right you are or how unjust the situation has been to you.  You will have to hang on the proverbial cross, forgiving her and asking God to forgive her --- even as she drives away with your kids, your money, your reputation, your heart, your sacrifice, your antiques, your family keepsakes, and maybe even your lawnmower.  (I know the lawnmower is a stretch ... but I'm trying to make a point here.)

 

For women, it's the same.  You love your husband as you love Christ.  You made that same commitment before God.  And divorce doesn't let you off the hook.  You promised to love and honor him - sacrificially.  If you have to sue him to get him to pay his child support, you do so without bad-mouthing him.  If he remarries a 25 year old blond, you sit with them at your daughter's graduation with love and forgiveness in your heart and eyes.  You have anything bad to say about him, you say it to the Lord in prayer.

 

It's a tall order.  If you're about to divorce, examine your heart and make sure you're up for this.  If the Lord gave you permission to exit this marriage, He gave it with these conditions.  Make sure that you're ready and willing to call on Jesus to help you pull this off.  My guess is you're going to need His supernatural power to do this.

 

If you're already divorced, even if it's ugly, it's not too late.  Get on your knees and commit your divorce to the Lord.  Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you in your responses to your ex-spouse.  Plan to forgive.  Plan to obey.  And plan to walk in the confidence that the Lord has given you everything you need to honor Him with your divorce, the pain of your divorce, the losses of your divorce, and even the scars of your divorce. 

 

I can't say it too much, divorce is NOT the Lord's plan for His people.  But when it is inevitable, His people can still walk through it in ways that give honor and glory to their Lord and Savior.  The only question is whether you really want to.

Marriage Secrets

You know, a whole industry seems to have evolved in the last 50 years around the institution of marriage. Seriously, the kids and toddlers have their industries (toys and learning). The teen-agers have their industries (clothes and entertainment). So the marriage industry has come to play the game as well.

Players from psychology, religion, and other professions have produced a plethora of books, tapes, CD's, seminars, etc. All are aimed at making your marriage better. We have "love languages," dichotomies like (the planets of) Venus and Mars, and even magazines. We hear about better sex, better communications, vacations together, vacations apart and even instrustions on writing love letters.

Why do these businesses (often packaged as ministries) find such a hungry market for what they have to sell? Why do people find marriage to be such a challenging proposition? Has it always been that way?

Did Adam and Eve struggle in their marriage? Did Joseph and Mary struggle in their marriage (when they were raising the Christ child)? Even in later generations, did our great grandparents and other ancestors in the last century or two find marriage to be the challenging proposition that we apparently find it to be? Somehow --- I suspect not.

The Bible says that the marriage partners are to leave their families and their homes --- and become one unit. That would be of one mind, one spirit, one set of (common) goals, etc. Each sets aside his or her own interests for the sake of this new union. They come ready to make sacrifices and concessions, to offer forgiveness and compromise, and to truly love and support each other in that union. It's clear that God's view of the marriage is that the union of the two takes priority over the individuals that comprise the union.

What's so hard about this? Is it possible that people are coming into marriage without this realization? I've counseled several married couples who find their marriage is a painful place to be. And they want God to fix it. Invariably, when I ask about how and when they consulted God before entering into this marriage --- I get blank stares. Not once has one of these couples who are coming in for counseling been able to say that they had consulted God before entering into their present marriage.

Why would we make a decision to jump into a marriage based on our own understanding, our own intuition, our own feelings and our own knowledge ... and then blame it on God when it doesn't work out? If I were God, I'd be really peeved about this! But that's exactly what people do!

The marriage vows say, "... what God has joined together ..." But the problem is that most of the marriages we have in our country (the U.S.) today are not unions that God created of the heart. Quite truthfully, they are legal unions created with a religious ritual. In most cases, God wasn't even invited to the wedding! And it's clear that neither party was focused on God when they made this deal amongst themselves.

The University of Virginia has begun a rather comprehensive project to study marriage in America. It's simply called "The National Marriage Project" (http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/). The dimensions of the initiative include trends, dynamics, and of course lots of so-called "findings." I expect that the end game is to produce some conventional and practical wisdom about this institution of marriage.

So far, an interesting observation is emerging from this study. It is that Americans are doing a better job of staying married. The divorce rate in America - for the first time in decades - is falling. Now researchers say that it could be because of economic pressures. They believe that people will tolerate a bad marriage or postpone a divorce for economic reasons. And they've got some case examples to illustrate that notion.

But I wonder how much attention they've paid to the possibility that American men and women are getting better at marriage. Is it possible, for example, that we're finally overcoming the scars of the industrial revolution - which fractured the traditional family dynamics - and learning how to be a true family again? Could it be that spouses are learning the value of forgiveness in a marriage? Might there be any chance that selfishness is beginning to take a back seat to the value of this union?

I'm under no illusion that spouses are better husbands and wives. My own marriage would be a good example of that. We still have our flaws and have to offer each other grace at times. But we're working on 26 years now, and are more committed to this union than we were in the beginning. (Somehow that comes as a bit of a surprise.) But we're making it. And I know people who are staying married longer, divorcing less, and learning to work through their issues. That their marriages are intact is a victory.

I don't know what the ultimate outcome of The National Marriage Project will be. And you may call me a dreamer - but I'd like to believe that whether or not people are turning to God in their marriages ... they are at least turning to each other. And that, folks, is a victory in the fabric of American society!

Madonna's Divorce

It was devastating news for the world. What with the stock market, the banking industry throughout the west and everything else seeming to collapse - we still had this one bastion of hope to hold on to. And then it came ... the announcement that Madonna and Guy Richie are ending their nearly eight-year marriage. I mean, is there nothing stable in this world? Is there nothing we can count on?

Newspaper reports say the marriage has been over for a while, but both Madonna and her husband are shrewd enough to know that they needed to keep it together until her most recent tour launched. (She makes far more money from touring than from music sales.) And so they did. When Madonna was caught sneaking Alex Rodriguez into her New York hotel room at all hours of the night --- and his marriage crashed and burned, the noble Guy Richie jetted across the Atlantic to be seen dining with his wife in New York. Bless his heart, this man put on a good face and apparently made a valiant effort.

What do you suppose it was that caused this marriage to fail? Or did the marriage fail? Is it possible that this marriage actually accomplished everything they wanted it to? It is said that together they are worth more than US$525 million. It's doubtful that the divorce will drive either one of them into the poor house. What was the purpose of a marriage like this? Was it a business arrangement? Did Madonna need a husband to get another baby? (She had one by him and they adopted one.)

I wonder what it might be like to be married to a woman like Madonna. What would one say to her each morning? How would you make decisions? What would the priorities be in life? This is a woman who should be studied, in my opinion, by sociologists and psychologists. She appears to go through life in a constant state of reinvention. Notice that she is never old and tired. Her life is never scandalous. How does she avoid the drama and controversy? What secrets does she have that somehow help her walk through life that seems to blind-side many celebrities?

Madonna is just nine days older than me. I have watched her for years, and wondered about this person, this creature. She is an enigma. And so it continues. The next chapter in the life of Madonna will start to unfold. Eventually, she will be someone's grandmother. Can you just imagine!