Emotional Abuse

Okay, I think I'm done talking about prophets and false prophets and such; at least for now. So what has my attention today? Well, I'm in the middle of a consulting project and I am studying workplace dynamics, organizational relationships and how people relate to each other. I think I have a new perspective on all of that since spending nearly three (3) years working in Celebrate Recovery. I've been looking back through my own career and all my work experiences. I think I'm observing something pretty profound.

In Celebrate Recovery, I learned a lot about how one owns one's brokenness --- or doesn't. (The later case is called DENIAL.) At any rate, now I'm starting to realize the implications of this go well beyond personal relationships. As I look at how people relate to each other, it doesn't matter whether they're in a small company or a giant corporation --- that darned brokenness plays a bigger role than we realize. Emotional abuse is a good example. We often think of it in the personal sense (e.g. being emotionally abused by a spouse or parent). But the same dynamics are at play in the workplace.

Ineffective leaders can often become emotional abusers. This will take some work, but let me try to explain. In my work with Celebrate Recovery, I’ve learned that the wounds that life inflicts on all of us can have a devastating impact that reaches far beyond the obvious. Our hearts can become disconnected and cold. Treated with disrespect, we lose our sense of dignity for ourselves and others. Disconnected from our spirit, we become inauthentic. When we lose our authenticity we give up our personal power. And of course when we lose our personal power, we become impotent. Impotence is fertile ground for abuse.

Emotional abuse is usually defined as words or deeds that dis-empower others, harm their spirit, destroy their reputation, infringe on their dignity, compromise their integrity, or pollute the climate of an organization. Abuse, by its very nature, intends to control and subjugate another person (or persons) through a variety of means --- which are usually passive aggressive. The tragedy is that the abuser often doesn’t know what he or she did, or why.

You might have someone who seems effective in the workplace, but underneath they could actually be lazy or incompetent (or both). They will be docile and subdued in the presence of their peers, superiors or the general populace --- yet be fiercely aggressive in indirect ways toward anyone (including subordinates) who do not conform, are perceived as threats or who just get too much attention. I suspect that much of this comes from their own life experiences.

It's a fact that life just craps on all of us; some more than others. This has far reaching but often unrealized effects, particularly on those in leadership roles at any level. Unfortunately, the abuser then can operate from this brokenness and be enabled by superiors and peers who may lack the courage and/or willingness to confront their impact on the organization. I think this is true of any organization where people are in charge of other people.

As one works with such people, there are disconnects between what they say and what they do. Their responses may not line up with who we think they are. Often it will be clear that they have to be "in control." They are the boss. That is important to them. But it is in conflict with their level of influence with the people they want to control. If someone raises issues like this with them, they will typically become angry. Often their words and actions will seem to convey, “I am your enemy.” If asked why he (or she) is so angry, they will usually deny that they are angry or just know know why.

The abuser's aggression with their victims is usually passive: questions that convey distrust, mixed messages, slights, exclusions and criticisms that confuse. If we try to address the issue, they may question our motives. We may be told to conform. We may be urged to "be more of a team player.”

Often the victim(s) of emotional abuse will concluded that they must be the problem and resolve to try harder. The more fortunate (and healthy) victims are the ones who leave. Those who don't will find that they no longer feel alive. It may be that they once had discretionary energy which they loved to pour into their work and the company. This is especially true when they are new and don't realize they've walked into an abusive situation. But in the end, they will go home each night exhausted, humiliated and confused. They have no discretionary energy left.

The victims of emotional abuse dread staff or one-on-one meetings with the abuser. They have nothing to talk about. They may lose sleep over such meetings. They may begin to lose touch with themselves and their anger eventually expresses itself in out-of-character reactions on a few occasions. Those reactions were then used to further denigrate and marginalize them with others.

If the victim resists, he or she will have to leave. Yet if they comply, they're in danger of losing themselves completely. The saddest part is that the abuser and his or her enablers are usually oblivious to what had happened. If the victim leaves, the abuser may even say publicly that they had a positive impact on the organization. But the truth is that the abuser is euphoric when a victim quits. Their happiness is a direct result of the misguided belief that the victim was his (or her) problem. They aren't. He is his problem. She is her problem. And others enable them.

How do people cope if they don't quit? Usually they will say that they've learned to just smile and nod in agreement. I have worked for a lot of bosses. Some were amazingly strong and I blossomed under them. Others were disasters. To their public they were a humble, servant leaders. But in their relationships with their staff they are the only one who matters. And their staff suffered for it. I'm pretty sure the company's overall suffered for it too.

Now don't get me wrong , these leaders and bosses may have strong credentials and be skilled in many areas. But they nevertheless take their brokenness with them into the workplace. And it shows. They become an abusers. An emotional abuser will maintain his or her power and influence by masking their own incompetence. They lack the empathy necessary for healthy relationships. They do not communicate. They invalidate their victims with regular put downs, confusion, denial of their own behavior, destruction of others and tactics that isolate their victims. He or she refuses to acknowledge their own behaviors and own feelings. And you can be sure they have feelngs; they just aren't in touch with them.

The victims of this abuse become stigmatized; they are crazy, they are stupid, they are emotional, they are ambitious, they are not team players, they can’t get along or they “just don’t get it.” The sad part --- and the reason that victims often leave in despair or linger as ineffective contributors --- is not that others may believe these things about them, but that they begin to believe it themselves. An emotional abuse victim may feel as if there is no hope in the marriage, family or organization. Leaving becomes a desperate solution to what looks like an unsolvable problem.

Abusers are bullies – fearful, envious and impotent people who are cowards when it comes to honesty and authenticity. Their emotional violence is a symptom of their own sense of powerlessness, insignificance and feeling that others don’t value them or their contributions. Essentially they feel as if they are islands in a hostile world. They cover their sense of powerlessness with authoritarian behavior towards their subordinates --- and with a convincing act on stage. Perhaps they treat others in ways that they themselves have been treated in the past.

Those on the receiving end of abuse are not weak people. On the contrary, they are most often those most capable of authentic relationships who refuse to give in to authoritarian behavior. Over a long period of time they can be worn down though, by constant attacks that they cannot respond to effectively. The healthiest and most talented people will usually leave the organization (or marriage or friendship) with tremendous cost to the organization (or family).

So what should be done? If I’m identifying the problem, I need to suggest a solution. Let's face it, these people (the abusers) have a massive case of DENIAL. So do those who enable them. There is a need to break out of the utopian pseudo innocence that makes life simple and easy and that makes virtues of weakness, helplessness and powerlessness. There is great need to recognize the real harm that is being done and see our complicity in it.

It’s always painful and even frightening to see our own (albeit unintentional) collusion with evil. Stepping out of DENIAL is never a picnic for any of us. But like a good friend of mine says, "You do it afraid, but you do it." What should they do?

Get angry. Don’t justify or excuse what’s obviously wrong. Assert the power that is rightfully theirs to bring about change. Bear witness for others less able to assert themselves. If we are leaders or peers, we stop looking the other way and start holding each other accountable. Really accountable. We take responsibility for the climate of the organizations we are supposed to be leading. We confront, coach and discipline abusers. We make clear that what was acceptable in the past is not acceptable now and will not be acceptable in the future. We hold people accountable --- and that's what it looks like.

We need to create organizations that value people. We need to create organizations that reward "owning your brokenness" instead of rewarding or enabling acting from your brokenness. We must have organizations that give everyone the power to be authentic and believe that they matter. Often emotional abusers don't feel they they matter. They are disconnected. We may need to help or even teach people to own their brokenness and be authentic. We may have to teach them or convince them that they matter.

Organizations need to promote people to leadership positions who care about others, who live their values, who tell the truth (even if its hard to say or hear), who develop others, who recognize basic human rights and needs, who see the importance of relationships to health and productivity, who have the basic emotional skills of awareness and empathy, and who have a heart and use it. In other words, we need to promote healthy people to positions of leadership. These people bring forth tremendous bottom-line results for the organizations that they lead in.

And if we are the emotional abuser, we need to get help. We need to take responsibility for our impact on others and for deepening our awareness of how we impact others. We do what is necessary, including getting counseling or recovery to find healing for ourselves and find some sense of our own significance.

Now I am no psychologist or expert. I'm a student of life itself. The bookstores are bursting with leadership books all promising to give a leader the secrets of successful leadership. But based on my own experiences in the workplace, and observations and learning in and out of the workplace, I think the true secret of successful leaders in any organization (including a family unit) likes in their faults and flaws and how they own and deal with them. I wonder why nobody is writing books about that!