Out of the Church

Well, I'm out of Willow Bend Church now. It's an odd feeling. I first went to that church in July 1994. I really found a personal relationship with Jesus Christ while attending there. Although I'd called myself a Christian for most of my life, it wasn't until I started attending there that God really got hold of me and took my life. It was during this time that I became a real Christian.

So now, having received God's permission to walk away from that church, I'm in new territory. How do I be a Christian and not be connected to Willow Bend Church? Even when I lived in Sydney, then London, then Palo Alto, I still felt a connection to that church. Somehow my Christianity and spirituality seemed to be connected there. Now it isn't. This is a new chapter in life. I wonder how it will be.

I'm grateful to God for all He has done. He has brought me so very far in what's really just a few short years. The last two years of my life, on staff at Willow Bend Church, have been the best and the worst.

They were the best years of my life because they provided me with some of the most fulfilling work I've ever had --- the job of loving people as they are and leading them to better conclusions about themselves, about God and about their other relationships. More often than not I had to first convince people that I loved them. (That was usually the hardest challenge. I discovered that hurting people --- including me --- are often hurting because we believe nobody could truly love us if they really knew us.) Overall, it taught me what life is really about. I'm grateful for that.

They were the worst years of my life because they engaged me in some of the most challenging confrontations and conflicts I've ever been exposed to. Ironically, they also proved to be the most enduring. I served as an Elder of that church for several years prior to joining its staff. It always had felt like the church was falling short of its mission --- but I could never figure out why. After I joined its staff, I began to pray and ask God to let me see things from His perspective. When He answered that prayer, I was shocked. Things were just not what I had thought. As I began trying to confront issues and lead change, I had to be taught through my journey that this is a church that doesn't want to be changed. It's quite happy to be the way it is. About ten months ago, after one of the most painful confrontations ever, I started to sadly realize that this church and I would need to part company. I began to face the sobering reality that God calls me to something beyond what He apparently calls this church and its leaders to. How odd. Why would God do that? Is this the "holy discontent" that I've read about?

Well now that I'm out, I've "stepped out of the boat" and am wondering what God will do with me next. I have more peace than I've had in a very long time. And yet I have as little stability as I've ever had. What do I do? Who are my friends? Where do I go? How do I engage? I feel like a bird with no place to land. And yet ... I trust You, Lord. Take me, lead me. Mold me, make me.