Marriage Wisdom

I write this other blog (http://www.dearvictorious.blogspot.com/) where people write me with questions. On the whole, I've been pleased to see that the questions vary widely in nature and run a complete gamut of topics. If there has been any real concentration, I'd have to say it tends to be about sex and marriage. It seems people have a lot of questions about that.

Preachers often preach about marriage in such virtuous tones. The typical sermon fodder will be about husbands loving their wives "as Christ loved the church" and even as they love their own bodies (Ephesians 5:25-33). A typical marriage sermon will also touch on wives submitting to their husbands "as they would to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22-24).

To be perfectly honest, I don't find either of these metaphors particularly useful in our modern culture. Let's face it, not a lot of men (or women) are intimately familiar with how Christ loves the church. And similarly, not a lot of women (or men) are intimately familiar with how we are to submit ourselves to the Lord. Why would that be? How could we be ignorant of such fundamental concepts?

Let's face it, most of us haven't had good role models. When the televangelist or youth pastor "leads us to Christ," he or she never, ever makes sure we grasp the concepts of sacrificial love and submission. Yet both are absolutely fundamental to both the Christian faith and godly marriages.

The same is true for marriage ceremonies. While traditional marriage vows have tended to include the wife "obeying" the husband - many modern marriage ceremonies conveniently edit that part out or gloss over it as they go. Have you ever watched that tawdry (American) TV show, "Bridezilla?" It shows brides-to-be acting like the most ungodly, selfish, uncaring, manipulative and controlling witches ever. Can you imagine that persona submitting and obeying anyone?

I can just imagine a marriage ceremony. "Do you, prospective husband, promise, commit and vow in front of God and man to love your wife sacrificially ... even to death if necessary?" "Do you, prospective wife, promise, commit and vow in front of God and mankind to love your husband, submitting to and obeying him in all things as you would to the Lord?"

If I were preaching that wedding, I'd probably want to add in some further questioning. "Do you, prospective husband, know what sacrificial love is? Have you really evaluated it and do you really know what you're committing to here?" "Do you, prospective wife, have any idea what submission and obedience really look like? Are you fully aware of the dynamics of such behaviors on your part?" "Have either one of you ever loved anyone sacrificially or submitted to and obeyed someone unconditionally?"

So what's my point here? The point is that most couples enter and live in marriages without fully understanding, much less acknowledging, the requirements of a godly marriage. I've done a far bit of marriage counseling in my day. And I am always dismayed with the couples who start off a counseling session by telling how their marriage doesn't work. Or they'll talk about the lack of credentials of their spouse.

There's never comprehension of these two fundamental marriage dynamics - given to us straight from God's Word. Why would that be? Is it that churches don't teach it? Is it that Christians don't model it?

Sexuality is another important topic, both inside and outside of marriage. Both married and single people want to talk about it. For most, it is an area of extreme pain and frustration - for a whole host of reasons. Here again, the contemporary church has Scripture references that are heavily leaned upon. They start with the exclusivity of our sexuality (Matthew 19:3-6, Genesis 1:27 & 2:24).

Some preachers will boldly march forth into the book of Solomon (aka the Song of Solomon). Here we find graphic references to sexuality that might otherwise be found in modern pornographic material. But the pastors cling to it as evidence that God intends for us to be sexy. They'll explain that God appreciates the value of a good "romp in the hay." But I'm not sure that's the right context to be speaking from -- or the right vision to be casting.

King Solomon, who wrote this graphically sexy book, was a noteworthy leader. The son of King David (whom God referred to as "a man after my own heart"), Solomon went on to build the temple. He also was astute enough to ask God for wisdom above all else ... and of course became very wise indeed. God's Word tells us he was the "wisest man who ever lived" (2 Chronicles 1:11-12). Indeed, Solomon wrote many Proverbs, among other things. His writings are testament to his rich wisdom.

But is wisdom the right place to go for the model of sensuality? Solomon may have been a wise man, but he was certainly not the most virtuous. While the Bible recounts many of his accomplishments, it also records his failures. Ultimately his sin - including the sin of idolatry and turning away from God - led to the ruination of his kingdom. So it would seem that the wisest man who ever lived was also one of the more sinful men the world has ever known. Did you know that?

Sexuality, upon close examination, was definitely one of the weakest aspects of Solomon's character. So while the Song of Solomon records in great detail the sensuality of his sexuality ... it tends to leave out some pretty relevant details. Take for example, the fact that Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. By his own account then, Solomon had at least 1,000 sexual partners in his lifetime. How many have you had?

Oddly enough, Solomon, for all his wisdom, failed to put many boundaries on his sexual cavorting. Simply put, his wives and concubines included a substantial number of women of ill repute. Some of Solomon's sex partners (or wives) were actually heathens who neither shared his values or acknowledge his God. A case could be made, based on Scriptural accounts, that some of these women actually led Solomon away from God. Said differently, they enticed him to sin.

So the point here is that Solomon may have had wisdom beyond his years or even beyond his humanness (i.e., divine wisdom). But what he had in wisdom probably rivaled what he lacked in virtue. He was not a good and decent man. It is therefore ironic that modern-day preachers would turn to the Song of Solomon for model of sensuality in the context of God-honoring relationships.

So if the world wants to know more about marriage and sexuality, and Ephesians or Solomon aren't the models --- where do Christians go for effective teaching? Oh, I'm so glad you asked! For starters, they go beyond the obvious. Christians begin to look at marriage and sexuality through the perspective of Jesus Christ.

If Jesus had married, what kind of sex life do you suppose He would have had? Seriously. We purchase those "WWJD?" (What Would Jesus Do) bumper stickers for our cars. What would Jesus do ... in the bedroom? Isn't that really the question we all want to have answered? Isn't it the question we all should really be asking?

For starters, let's look at what Jesus called the two most important Commandments (Matthew 22:37-40). They form the basis for the most important dynamics in a God-honoring marriage.

He said we are to love God above all else. Did you catch that part? How many of our culture's love songs put God first? Yet God says He is to come first. That's before infatuation. That's before hearts that flutter when our mate walks into the room.

And He said we are to love others as we would like to be loved ourselves. Think about that. How would you like to be loved? If you look fat in that outfit, wouldn't you want to know it? Would you feel special if others made sacrifices to express their love for you? Do you like to be on the winning end of compromises?

So just this one Scripture reference gives us bold context for a successful marriage. That context is that I have to come third in this marriage. God comes first. Then my spouse. Then me. Notice the children and the in-laws aren't in this pecking order (yet).

Often Christian counselors will draw a marriage "triangle," which depicts the husband and wife in the bottom corners, and God as the pinnacle or top corner of the triangle. They'll tell you that's what successful marriages look like. I think they're right too. It's been my own experience (by virtue of my own marriage), by working with other married couples, and being a student of marriage, that this so-called relationship "triangle" is not only true, but it's effective.

Over the years, I've developed a list of Marriage Truths that I believe bear repeating here.

1. Your marriage will never truly work unless God is first in each of our respective lives. No exceptions.

2. Marriage requires an extraordinary amount of compromise. You'll find the level and depth of compromise to be more complex than any you've ever experienced in the past.

3. Partners in successful marriages make extreme sacrifices, not only for the good of the marriage ... but for the best of the their spouse.

4. Uncompromising loyalty is always required in a marriage. It means there is always the preference in favor of your spouse, no matter who the competition is.

5. God's amazing grace must be modeled in your marriage. This means that you intend to forgive everything --- before you even know whether or not your partner is sorry or whether they are at fault. You always lead with forgiveness.

6. If you have a successful marriage, you will at times find yourself in situations that seem to smack of persecution. And like Christ did when He was persecuted, you must not try to defend yourself. Rather trust God to lead you through the persecution.

7. Marriages are often like sailing ships, with storms to go through, shallow waters to go through, deep waters to cross, etc. But they don't have the option to stop and get off the ocean. Rather they must keep on sailing, no matter what.

8. Your marriage will inevitably bring you to a "crisis of belief." Your beliefs about God, yourself, your spouse and your marriage will all be heavily tested. And only the strongest survive.

9. Selfishness and self-centeredness must be executed if the marriage is going to work and honor God. Unfortunately they are where most marriages start. People tend to consider their marriage prospects in terms of what's in it for them. That thinking error will need to get corrected before the marriage can thrive. When you get to the place where you can commit to the marriage and remain committed without thought of what's in it for you --- then you know you're ready for marriage.

10. Most of the world's wisdom on marriage is useless. Only God can define successful relationships of any kind. So successfully married people learn to stop listening to the wrong voices and to focus on listening to the right voices.

To conclude, I'd like you to forget what you heard at the last wedding you attended or read on the last greeting card you bought. Those are not marriage wisdom. I'd like you to turn past King Solomon and the Apostle Paul for your marriage advice. Instead, take a serious look at Christ. And ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" For therein lies the secret to a successful marriage and a fulfilling dimension of sexuality in your marriage.

Sexy Churches

Often we think of sex in church in terms of what not to do. Or we assign it a marketing correlation, as in referring to a church that markets itself well and calling it a sexy church.

Surely the Dallas area has its share of those sexy churches that market themselves well. We have large, influential churches here in the Dallas area. I often wonder though what impact they are having. Two in particular have been on my mind this week.

First Baptist Church in Dallas and its senior pastor, Dr. Robert Jeffress made national headlines when he started a sermon series last week which he titled something like "politically incorrect." He chose to market the sermon series though by posting an inflammatory sermon headline on the church's marquee outside. It read, "Why Gay is not okay."

As you might imagine, this infuriated and offended a wide number of people. (One has to imagine that this was the intent of Dr. Jeffress ... to attract or disturb.) The protesters lined up outside his church and it's been talked about all week. He continued yesterday by preaching on "what to say to those who are gay." The protesters were out in force, of course.

Now I don't agree with the gay protesters. I see that the Bible forbids homosexual relationships. I long ago realized that God's truth on the subject is that many are tempted, but none are defined. God never created anyone to be in a homosexual relationship. So for those who are tempted in that way, God expects them to resist the temptation. So there is no question in my mind about the fact that Dr. Jeffress is preaching God's truth. However --- that's not the end of my view here.

I have to question Dr. Jeffress tactics. Is it really necessary to put inflammatory remarks on the church marquee out front? Could you not just as easily have advertised this sermon series by putting something that read, "God's Truth About Gays." Then if someone who is not already in your church truly cared about God's perspective on the subject, they could make a point to attend or download that sermon on-line. In terms of what we should say to someone who is gay, let's start with "I love you."

It's been known for a long time that human beings never care how much you know about anything until they know how much you care about them. So Mr. Jeffress, leading by telling the gays how wrong you think they are on the marquee outside probably hasn't been such a good idea. But then again, I guess it all depends on what you intended.

Another high-profile church is Fellowship.com, led by its senior pastor, Ed Young, Jr. You may have read about his recent sermon, where he preached sitting on a bed on the stage of his mega-church. He challenged his congregation of about 20,000 people in four locations (from Dallas to Miami) to have sex every day for seven (7) days. He of course qualified this by saying that the challenge is only for people who are married.

But if you are married and in Pastor Young's church, he wants you to have sex every day for seven (7) days in a row. He even went on national news and said that he and his wife would be going to bed early that week to "practice what he preached."

How does this set with you? The Dallas Morning News had taken letters to the Editor commenting for and against this. Some people think it's great. They extol the fact that healthy sex lives are biblical. Others think it's disgusting and makes a mockery of godly sexuality. Some said it's an outrage to cheapen sex like this. As you might guess, I have an opinion about this myself. It's taken me a week to ponder it though. To be honest, I wasn't sure what I thought about it at first. But I was definitely thinking about it.

After considering Mr. Young's challenge to his congregation, I think he is short-sighted. In fact, I'd say that he is every bit as short-sighted and thoughtless as his Baptist colleague, Dr. Jeffress. You see, Ed Young, Jr. seems to be overlooking some important facts about sex inside of marriage.

First, there is a significant difference between having sex and making love. Second, many marriages have very painful areas when it comes to sexuality. Telling married folks to set that pain aside and just mechanically engage in the sexual acts is folly at best. More realistically, it is likely to sharpen the pain. You can't just deny the pain and go through the motions without causing further damage and destruction. Did you know that, Mr. Young?

Finally, sexual intercourse is like worship in that it is a celebration of the marital relationship. If the marriage relationship is not healthy, then sex is not likely to be healthy. There is nothing to celebrate in bad marriage. So having sex just because your pastor told you to is likely to be a frustrating endeavor at best. And it could be much worse.

So what are we to make of these "sexy churches" here in North Texas? I think we can conclude that their pastors are using sex to sensationalize their sermons and draw attention to themselves. Moreover, we can see that their pastors are pretty inconsiderate and thoughtless. Perhaps they could even be considered unloving.

What was that blog recently about "those awful Christians?" Here they are, in action again. God bless 'em. And let us forgive them as they trespass against us!

Valentine's Day

Its Valentine's Day; the day when we celebrate love. An interesting celebration it is too. Candy, flowers, cards. I've noticed that the flowers seem to get cheaper as they go into the tents in the Kroger parking lot ... but the cards get pricier as they stack up on fancy kiosks --- in the same store. What's up with that?

Love is an interesting proposition. Society often talks about being in love. We see the magazines on the news stands heralding some new celebrity and how happy they are with their latest love. It occurs to me that happiness isn't the point of love. The Bible has a lot to say about love. It speaks of God's love for us --- incredible. It speaks of our love for God --- usually falling short. It speaks of our love for each other --- probably misunderstood. So what are we celebrating here?

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ... When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. - 1 Corinthians 13 (NLV)

So there it is, the real definition of love. Will you get or give a Valentine's Day card that reflects that truth? Or will you get a card that speaks and reasons and thinks as a child? Does your focus of love include patient and kind? Not jealous or rude? Does it demand its own way? Many of us grew up having life experiences from people who loved us, but we didn't experience it. Few among us have escaped the lament of, "I don't want to grow become my parents."

Why don't we? Mostly because we saw an imperfect love. We saw a love that was tainted with sin and other aspects of humanity. But then we go out in our own lives and start building the same dimensions of love for those we care about and are in relationship with. If I had been the Apostle Paul and had written 1 Corinthians 13, I probably would have added something like, "Love is not perfect. It forgives everything. Love doesn't sweat the small stuff."

And don't get me started about sex. Somehow Valentine's Day cards have become racy. I've seen some in the card racks that looked nearly obscene. I'm sure if I went to different stores, I probably could find obscene Valentine's Day cards. When did we equate sex with love? It is a dimension of love. It is not the dimension of love. The presence of sex doesn't signify the presence of love. By contrast, the absence of sex doesn't indicate the absence of love.

To be honest, I think we've been deceived by sexuality. When most of us think of "good sex," we think of what we got out of it. In other words, we focus on the selfish dimensions of the experience. Look at 1 Corinthians 13, and ask yourself what it promises for you? There is nothing selfish about it. Nowhere does it say love is rewarding, meets all your needs, makes you feel significant, makes you feel safe. Quite the contrary, the truth about love is what you can give, not what you can get. Now, re-think your sexuality in that filter, and see what you can give.

Sexuality has become perhaps the biggest joke of mankind. Whatever God meant for good we have certainly perverted to a sense that one might question what value can be left. In today’s' news, a woman in German auctioned off the opportunity to have sex with her in an on-line auction site. Six (6) men won bids to have sex with her. She willingly had sex with all six them, knowing each of them only by their on-line ID. (Read about it at http://www.reuters.com/article/technologyNews/idUSL1355570120080213).

Do you suppose this was God's plan for sex? Do you suppose there could be any love here whatsoever? Making the travesty even worse, now she is pregnant and can't imagine which one of the men is the father. I'm guessing her future son or daughter may have some questions about what love is. Too bad mom and dad won't have any answers.

This Valentine's Day, let us reflect on 1 Corinthians 13. Let us consider what love really is. And let us resolve to change our thinking and our ways concerning love. If we ever get that right, then it truly will be a happy Valentine's Day!