On Father's Day

I don't know about you other men out there, but Father's Day has always been a bit of an oddity for me. My birth father died when I was a toddler, so I never knew him. I have only the vaguest memory of what he even looked like (though I have seen a few black-and-white photos of him).

My mother remarried when I was about eight years old, and her husband was a nice enough man. She told us to call him Dad, and usually referred to him as "your Father" or "your Dad." I never felt particularly close to him or loved by him. I never sat on his lap. He never played anything with me or did anything with me except to have me help him with chores. He never said I love you. Of course he wasn't abusive, and most people (including me) considered him to be a very nice man.

Father's Day with this step-father of mine were always interesting. We'd go through the motions of getting him cards and trying to get him gifts. Mom would always make sure we made a point of "honoring" him on that day. I'm not sure what that means though, even today. How does one go about honoring a father on one specific day? Even now, I struggle to find a good answer to that question.

This man who was in the position to be my Dad identified himself as a Christian. But he slept in church, never read a Bible and I never heard or saw him pray. What was his relationship with God really like? Even after he died I pondered that question. Does that matter? I mean, isn't the relationship of a man to his God relevant to his children? Isn't my relationship with God relevant to my children?

And there it is, the big question. Is my own relationship with God relevant to my children? Does it matter to them that their father reads his Bible every day, prays throughout the day and sometimes shares private tears with the Lord? And if it does matter, how does it matter? Is there a legacy being created there for the children? Do they themselves place any value on this? Or is their father's walk with God just something that results in intangible benefits that they reap some day without realizing it or realizing the source?

Our local newspaper this morning was chock full of editorials about Father's Day. Mostly they were people writing in memory of their father. Some were complimentary. Some described more of a dilemma, where years later they see something different in their father's than they may have seen at the time. To be honest, it all seemed a little sappy to me. I started to read one, but as I kept coming across them, I just started skimming and the words all began to blur.

What were these writers really saying about their fathers? What were the writers saying about fathers in general? Some women writers thanked men for being good fathers. One woman I read this weekend complained about not getting her child support. (Is Father's Day the right time to talk about that?)

So the question that I struggled with as a child really does remain today. How does one honor his (or her) father on Father's Day? The Bible says we are to honor our father and mother (Exodus 20:12, Matthew 19:19 & Ephesians 6:2). I've always thought that this is something which is best accomplished on a daily basis, with your behavior. You live a life that honors your father and mother by living their values, being obedient and respectful, and seeing that they're cared for when they're old and frail. What then, can be accomplished in this one day?

Now that I'm a father myself, I think I enjoy Father's Day a bit more. The pressure is off. I don't have to feel awkward about trying to honor him. The efforts I used to make that seemed lame at best - don't have to be made now. Ironically, my own children are making them. I see their efforts, and I appreciate their efforts. But I imagine they are asking the same question. I imagine they struggle with efforts and gift-giving that all seems a bit lame. I mean, what gift can they buy that would convey the condition of their heart toward their father? Isn't that the conundrum of all children today?

And what if you have unhappy memories of Father's Day? What if you were fatherless? What is your father was a despicable human being? Millions of people have that reality staring them in the face today. What do they do with Father's Day? Is this the one day a year they set aside to work on forgiving their father's for who they were or weren't in their lives? Can the bitterness and resentment, loneliness and pain be set aside on this one day of the year? Should they be?

It is Father's Day. Our nation has made a corporate decision to celebrate fatherhood today. My hope and prayer is that we'll look deeper than the cards and presents. My sincere desire is that we'll look into the man himself, and see his soul. Perhaps the best thing we could do in honor of Father's Day is to break down barriers and achieve new levels of intimacy with our fathers. We could see that a father's children are his legacy, and we could own that responsibility as his children.

Happy Father's Day. Now let's do something worthwhile with it!

Remembering Mom

Today is one of those days. I don't have them very often. But every once in a while they seem to sneak up on me. Not depressing or sad, really - but more of a melancholy feel to them, these days seem to mark or commemorate milestones in my life. Today was the birthday of my mother.

If she were still alive, I believe my mother would be turning 85 years old today. My father died when I was a toddler. It seems that had the effect of magnifying my mother's role in my life. She seemed, at times, to be larger than life.

I realized well into my adulthood that she still had a very significant impact on my thinking and perceptions. Not all of them were accurate or even good, mind you, but many of them were shaped or heavily influenced by my mother.

I remember, for example, my first marriage. It was a sad mistake, but I was ashamed to admit that in front of my mother. I realized that my behavior in my marriage was still being influenced by my mother!

Of course Mom never asked for that role in my adult life. She really never tried to meddle or control her kids' lives. She was loving and supportive of our decisions (even our mistakes). But we knew what she approved of and didn't approve of.

And to my astonishment, even as she neared the end of her life, I realized I still very much wanted her approval. Don't ask me why --- it's perhaps a strength and, at the same time, a weakness in me that I've never been able to figure out.

When my mother died, her funeral was nice enough. She'd been very ill in the latter years and her death was not a surprise. Most of us considered it a blessing actually. At the funeral, people stood up in the church and said all sorts of (mostly nice) things about her.

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Listening to the stories they told and the things they said, my younger brother and I looked at each other and instantly had the same thought - that these people knew her differently than we did. Their perceptions of my mother were vastly different than my own. Why was that? What an odd revelation to have at your mother's funeral.

Surely my mother was a good woman. She loved her children dearly and generally loved people. She had many friends, and many people leaned on her for support. I guess they did so because she was pretty good at supporting.

She had her weaknesses too - like we all do. At times I've felt I'd need therapy to overcome some of the scars I wanted to blame on Mom. In the end, God's grace has been big enough to enable me to overcome all the challenges I've faced in life. He also helped me to eventually see that no parent is without fault. I guess all parents are like that - somewhat of a conundrum for their children. Ironically, I see that I myself am posting the same dilemma for my own kids. They get to appreciate my virtues and strengths, while at the same time bearing my weaknesses and flaws.

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Mom's been dead for many years now. She was such a huge part of my life for most of my years. Life without her has been okay, but it's been different. I sometimes yearn for her perspective. More than once I find myself again wishing for her approval. Things happen in the world and I'll find myself thinking, "Wow! Mom would never believe this!" Or I'll find myself imagining what Mom would think of this or that.

Somehow, life has seemed less complicated without Mom in my life. Maybe it's because I've no longer had to reconcile my feelings with Mom's approval. I know that's an odd thing to say. It's just that she was so much larger than life, and it was like a shadow that I carried with me everywhere - even as an adult. Life without that shadow has seemed less complicated. I never discussed this dilemma with Mom. I wish now that I had. I imagine that she saw her motherhood quite differently than I did. And I genuinely would like to have her perspective on even that.

My mother was a smart woman. She was a wise woman. She wasn't always right. And many of her decisions and ways I can question even today. Still, as I observe that it's her birthday, I think of her fondly. I wish she were here. I value her perspective and her ways. I wish many things in her life could have turned out differently (better) than they did. She died too young and suffered too much - and that's just for starters.

But more importantly, I'm here and thriving. And that is a testament to this woman. I'm grateful that she was my Mom.

Effective Parenting

As a parent, I have often given thought to the subject of effective parenting. It has been common for me to think of myself at times as not so great of a parent. At other times, I can be quite proud of some of my parenting skills. I think a lot of people experience this emotional roller coaster of the mind. Am I a good parent? What if I'm not? How can I tell? These are some of the questions that seem to never have concrete answers.

What is the criteria for determining a good parent? Does anyone really know? You might think that some do. Both secular and Christian authors abound with their books on how to raise children. There is no shortage of books on parenting - all purporting to give us sage advice that will help us turn that corner and be certain of our effectiveness as parents.

I have read many of these books (my wife is a fan of them and devours one after the other). As parents of children, it's probably a good thing for us to be consumers of parenting books too! However, I have yet to find a book or an author that I thought just really provided some significant insight. Mind you, they often provide fresh insight. It's just never particularly significant.

In the end, I often take their fresh and witty insights and conclude that this is bigger than me and I can't control or manipulate it. Raising children and even parenting adult children tends to feel more like a roll of the dice. No amount of parenting wisdom seems to take away that feeling. Why is that? Isn't there some point that would change the whole paradigm? And if so, what could it be?

I think I may have found something recently that changes everything. At least it does for me. It helps me understand some of the things in my adult children that I don't care for. It helps me grasp some of my parenting failures. But most importantly, it shows me something tangible and personal that I can do to be a better parent that gets measured differently. By that I mean the measure of my success isn't necessarily found in my children. How is that?

One of the things I notice in the Old Testament book of 2 Samuel is that King David had some parenting challenges. His children didn't turn out so well. They created some grief for him. But one of the other things I notice about that is that, in many ways, the behavior of his children not only reflected but amplified some of King David's own behaviors. In other words, the very things he found in them that troubled him were amplifications of things he'd found in himself.

So here is the simple truth, that piece of parenting wisdom, that I think God just provided me. The sins of parents are usually reflected and often amplified in their children.

As I study this theory, I find that my own children seem to prove out this simple truth. So what can I do to be a better parent? I think the answer is to do a better job with my own sin. Stop denying my sinful thoughts and behaviors. Stop justifying. Confess. Turn from my sin. Make a practice of turning from my sin. Find ways to honor God with my sin.

This could be the most significant piece of parenting wisdom I've ever found. And the cool part of it is that I don't have to rely on my children to measure my success with it. Perhaps the secret to lasting peace for parents is then found in having parents become really good at dealing with their own sin - instead of fretting about the imperfections and dysfunctions of their children!